The Emotional Mess [SLOW UPDATES]

2.

I didn't get my periods I go to my calendar and realise that it's been over 3 freaking months 😑

Obviously it's not pregnancy as u need a partner which I don't have anyway.. And this is the time I dread going to the doctor!!

Doctors are life saviours in my scenario they are just scarier. I try avoid going to the hospital as much as possible but now its serious

I get out of my room and my mom who is a working mother but working from home asks if I got my periods

Ugh!! How do mothers know what's going in your head🤦‍♀️

Prerna - no I haven't gotten them yet

Mom - Walk more rather than just keeping the ass on your bed. And we are going to the gynac

Prerna - but-

She cuts me in between

Mom- no ifs and buts and your butt should be moving than sitting. Go get ready!

I leave having tears in my eyes. How hard would it be to not make my entire life about my weight . The constant shaming doesn't motivate rather demotivates me as I feel I ain't pretty.

I walk around my room and after 30 mins decide to get ready for the visit which will end up with me in tears and shame and guilt.

I open my closet and wonder what to wear. Like most girls I just have clothes no outfits and think I have no clothes to wear..😂
But at my size the clothes are limited too!

I wear some casual loose top as it hides my rolls and leggings coz I can't afford the shame I would have when I wear tight jeans.

That's my usual outfit loose stuff with black leggings. I have never worn crop tops and the last time I wore jeans was when I was 12. And hoodie and sweatshirts are just not my type they would be if they made it my size. And dresses is something which makes me look pregnant.

I look at myself in the mirror and apply kajal and wear earrings to look a bit presentable..

I feel a little too cold so decide to wear my denim jacket. It fit me well a year ago! I take it and wear it . Trying to close the buttons only to realise it doesn't close anymore. My belly pokes out from the bottom of jacket as well making it unflattering.  I remove them thinking they might have shrunk in the wash

( your body expanded you idiot ) my mind mocked me

I shrug it off and leave. My mom takes an appointment and on reaching the nurse calls my name !

The part which made me anxious and stressed was here!! The nurse takes me to the room checks my height and then tells to stand on the weighing machine. How much I hate scales !!!

It showed 98 kgs😱😱 the machine must be wrong. How did I become this fat?
(Umm by hogging on food and never jogging . The machine isn't definitely wrong)

My mind yet again giving reality checks

The nurse asks me and with shame I say 98. She tells me to get down and has a slight shock on her face. As I leave the room a kid runs and hugs me.

Kid- omg didi!! U soo soft like my Teddy. Meri mummy aapki tarah kyun nahi hai? ( why isn't my mom like you )

Somehow the kids innocence just made me feel better which would dampen soon. Her mother walks in and says sorry.. the nurse leaves.

I smile at the kid and leave when I hear the child asking her mom why can't she be like me soft outside. Her mom replied saying that she has no interest to be an elephant and laughed saying I wonder how much she eats.

It made me furious but I didn't wanna argue as she was right. After all who weighs 98 when just 15 it's low-key obesity.  I felt so bad that the kid who just liked me would now have internalised fat phobia and body image issues. What made It worse was how there was direct relation of my weight to my appetite. I eat less but it isn't my fault that my body composition is this way.

Why can't people just be allowed to eat less or more according to them and not their size..

My mom signals me towards her when the gynac calls us in. She gestures me to sit.

She asks my mom what happened and my mom says I haven't gotten my periods.

The gynac says : Ab moti hai toh kahan se aayenge. Thoda kam khaya karo mar nahi jaogi! Yeh ek page hai Facebook par uske hisaab se khao. ( you are fat anyway so how will u get periods. Eat less u won't die if u dont eat. I recommend u to eat according to this page on facebook)

It's so annoying how everything according to doctor is about your weigh. I may have fracture she would blame it on my weight and say she was fat that's y her bones broke. Also the Facebook page she just told about must be some stupid person saying to eat 1 spoon of rice. While the whole Internet goes on saying dieting is bad.. Why can't there be just one whole solution which u drink and lose weight

I was thinking all this while she took my ultrasound and prescribed me some pills. She also told to my mom to make her walk and shit.

I left feeling bad that I needed to have pills to get periods. On my way home my mom told me how my stomach needs to go in and not out. I should eat this not that blah blah. How it's bad that I weigh more than her.

At this point I feel my entire existence is useless and I am not worthy of love. As I get out of the car my mom commands me to use the staircase. I was in no mood to rebel and take the decision to use them to reach the 4th floor.

When I reach the 2nd floor I pant as I get out of breath when I see some kids laughing saying patle hone ki nakaam koshish. ( the inefficient way of losing weight)

I Stare at them and they leave.. when I do something active to lose weight people laugh when I gain then they laugh. It's the same with gym made for fit people who are unwelcoming towards you.

I reach my house out of my breath. Head towards my room with constant bickering of my mom and dad. I lie on the bed and sleep with all the happenings of the day flashing before me. With tearful eyes my vision is blurred and I fall asleep!

A/N

So how did you guys find this part? Let me know your feedback

Prerna definitely needs to have some confidence and less insecurity.