Infidelity

24

When we get to his house, my anxiety kicks in but I don't allow it to get the better of me. He opens a bottle of whiskey and he gulps it down. Well so much for chivalry.

He seems a bit fidgety and agitated. It's so confusing because he usually so confident and sure of himself.

"Do you want to go to bed?" he asks me and I skeptically nod. I'm actually not sure what he means.

He motions for me to lead the  way and he follows me after another huge sip from the bottle in his hand. I make my way to the bedroom that is usually resigned to me when I'm here. I don't know what comes over me but as soon as we're at the door I turn around and place my lips on his. He welcomes me without hesitation and he takes the lead. He pushes me into the door and he pins me to the wall. 

I get lost in the kiss as it deepens. His hands are not on me but mine travel across his torso. He breaks the kiss and he backs away.

"What are you doing to me?" He asks and I'm genuinely confused. Aren't we doing this together?

"What am I doing to you? I don't know," I say to him.

"You want to play dumb right now?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about. Can we not fight?" I snatch the bottle from his hand and I take a sip. The heat from the alcohol almost choke me but I manage to keep it down. I come onto him but he pins me against the wall whilst keeping a safe distance from my body.

"You see what I'm talking about?" His eyes are pleading with me. What is happening with hi today?

"You don't want this?" I don't want him to refuse me.

"I do, but not like this." He snatches the bottle from me and I wish he was the one who was against the wall. That would definitely give me higher ground.

I snatch the bottle from him after he gulps it down. There's only a tiny bit left. I give him a flirtatious smile, my conscience is buried deep and somewhere I know nothing of. I drink the remaining contents of the beverage and I keep the bottle tilted to make sure I get the rest of the particles. I smile at him again as I put the bottle carefully on the floor.

I look at him dead in the eye as I say the words. "Have me then. Don't think about it just do it." 

My subconscious puts on her Judgemental hat. I conviniently blame it on the alcohol even though he drank most of it.

I kiss him and he let's go of his anxiety but mine is still lingering. I try to ignore it though. I succeed in taking off his shirt. I blush as I touch his dark chocolate abs. OMG he is to die for. His  lips never leave mine as he reaches for the hem of my dress. When our skin makes contact, my breath hitches and I try to keep calm. I don't need a panic attack right now. 

I fidget with buckle on his belt in an attempt to free it but with his gentle assault, I'm failing. He suddenly jecks away from me and my moaning isn't registered as a reaction to pain.

"Condoms." He mouths and I hate having to release him. He literally sprints out of the room.

I stand there with a lot of mixed emotions. My sore fingers distract me for a bit as I suck on them. The emotions flood back as soon as the pain begins to ease up. I'm now forced to think about the decisions I've made this in this night alone.

Bad decisions, might I add. I roll my eyes at her unwarranted comment.

I suck on my fingers even though there's no pain anymore. The sucking is actually what's causing me pain right now. I stop and I start to pace around the room.

I know, I could pretend to be asleep. That would work. He didn't want this anyway. There's no way he'll hold it against me.

No, bad idea. I don't think think I can face him after what I just did. What I just said. The way I was flirting with him and putting myself out there. The way  I just threw myself at him.

I can't even dare to think about Sandile right now. I basically just cheated on him. Damn! I just cheated on my boyfriend.

What am I going to do?

I can't face either of them and I'm stuck here with one of them. Can't the earth just swallow me up already.

I try not to panic. Panicking is the not something I need to be doing right now. I need to think.

Girl you need to run.

What my subconscious is suggesting is not such a bad idea. I do need to run, I need to run as far away as I can from here. I could go home. No one will look for me there.

Go to your place dummy. You still have a life you know.

I take a deep breath. I wonder if he's making the condoms and my thoughts make me laugh. I take out my phone and I request an uber. It's 5 minutes away thank God. I quietly make my way out of the house and I wait outside for the uber. 

                                                                        ***

When I get home, I let out a very heavy sigh. I take a cold shower. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. No amount of holy water can wash away the guilt and shame I'm feeling right now. 

I cry myself to sleep. This is the result of the failed attempt. Keeping the two boys (I'm currently stringing along) out of my mind has proven to be a very difficult task.