Infidelity

43

Eight months pregnant...

A huge belly...

Mixed emotions...

"I have to go and see him, I can't avoid him forever. It won't make it go away."

The words come out without any sense of direction. Any inanimate object surrounding me is pleasant company. I speak with it, having the comfort of knowing that I won't be receiving any judgement. And yet... My sister sits with me and I pay her no mind at all.

"Why have you been avoiding him." She takes a sip of her tea. Her slurping habit has always annoyed me my there's no strength in me to admonish her.

I focus on her cup of tea, tilting my head from side to side. I must be going mad.

"I'm terrified." I see no other way of going about this. It always been said that honesty is the best policy, but I'm going for a different cover. I'm hoping that, maybe if I say it out loud so many times it will go away or maybe it will change.

"Is it because of Mom?" She's tiptoeing around me, gauging my reaction but I'm sure I'm stoic enough.

Being impassive has been my entire personality these past few months. The only words that pass between my father and I are the good mornings and the good evenings, with me not finding anything pleasant in those times. The afternoons are occassional since we rarely see each other in those times.

The only person who still treats me like I'm a human being is my twin sister. I just wish she would retire like everyone else.

"Everything changed." I lean back in my chair and stare intently at nothing. "After that night, we all changed, you hide it so well but it still doesn't change the fact. I don't blame her nor do I hate her. Maybe I did at first but now I don't. I get it, I also don't know what to do. They deserve more and I have nothing to give. She had nothing to give us."

"I get that but nothing you're saying hasn't answered my questions."

I can tell that she doesn't want to reveal her true feelings but it doesn't really matter. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and if being evasive works for her, then who am I to judge.

"He said he wants to look for her, for me." I sigh.

Her shocked expression doesn't phase me. Her choking on the tea warrants me a bit of satisfaction. It also tells me that she also doesn't know how to feel about it.

"I want to tell him a few things, if I'm going to die. I must confess. If there's ever a choice to make, choose the babies. They'll be better off without me." Even though I'm giving her instructions, I still don't acknowledge her presence.

"You can't speak like that, you're healthy. You have a healthy pregnancy."

I should be annoyed by her eagerness to avoid the main topic at hand but I also find myself not being able to fault her.

"I was diagnosed with endometriosis, chances of survival should be slim."

More like I'm hoping to die...
Yes I'm hoping to die

I reply my subconscious with the utmost confidence. Outwardly I'm smiling. I find the notion humourous. The smile turns into a laugh and I shake my head. Tears roll down my cheeks and I continue to laugh.

I am truly mad.

***

I am starring at the ceiling, the sheets smell clean. My fantasies are an endless continuous loop in my head.

"I have to tell you something." It's too quiet. He's too quiet for my liking.

"Are you okay?" His voice is strained as if he's holding back a lot of pain.

"Me being okay is out of the question, the kids are the ones you should concern yourself with." Tears roll down on either side of my temple and they nestle inside of my earlobes.

"I haven't found your mother but I'm still looking." He waits patiently. He's anticipating something familiar, I can't even hear his breathing.

"I'd rather not talk about that, but do tell me if you have found her. I must let you know that it is highly unlikely that she will want to see me." Saying that out loud gives me some sort of relief. I guess the policy is working somehow.

"What do you want to talk about then?" I'm glad that he lets lying dogs lie.

"I want to confess," I begin. "There's no way of justifying this but I do not want comfort or judgement. I just want you to know that the only reason I decided to keep this pregnancy is because I didn't want to loose you. Your love for me only grew when you found out that I was pregnant and I was willing to have in any way."

I wasn't aware that I was holding my breath along with my tears. They both pour out of me simultaneously.

"Let's get married." His reply sends shockwaves through me.

I don't know what I was expecting but this was far from it.

"Let's do it, people have gotten married for far worse reasons but we have a common reason. We're far from perfect and marriages aren't exactly perfect but we make sense to each other, you said it yourself."

"You're never going to leave this place." For the first time in a few months, I actually feel sad. The emotion fills me with joy and I smile through the tears. It's funny how he makes me feel so alive.

"Yet here we are, together." He wiped my tears and his own fall onto my face.

I smile at him.

"What a sight for sore eyes. The ceiling was just starting to get dull." I caress his cheek and he smiles at me.

"Is that a yes?" There's too much hope in his and it would be cruel of me to shatter it.

"I'll think about it."

"Atleast this time you're not running out of here."