𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

35 | l o s t

After staring at the motionless water for literally hours I lost track of time, not realizing I hadn't eaten, and I had to be in my
room for the curfew.

I just couldn't stop remembering her face after that moment we had shared. Like, « what the fuck am I doing » face. She surely regretted all of this, I mean I was surely overthinking and exaggerating in saying she might hate me, but my insecurities had gotten the best of me and made me realize nothing could ever happen between this gorgeous, smart, amazing woman and me. Because I'd never be one third of what she was, and what she deserved.

Apparently I had chosen the wrong place to die peacefully because when the sky was taking a much darker tint, her voice echoed through my ears.
And for a second I thought it was just my
mind playing with me again. But she repeated my name, and I knew she was behind me, not trying to touch me this time.

"Hi Amanda... I'd like to talk."

Oh you fucking tears, go away. I thought there wasn't any of you left.

Just her presence was killing me.
So after taking a deep breath I jumped on my feet and left the pontoon, not looking at the woman kneeling next to the place I previously was. 

"No please wait!" I heard her exclaimed as I was already walking quicker.

Soon, her fingers wrapped themselves around my wrist, causing me to turn around and offer her a death glare. She didn't pull away though so I had to freed myself by my own.

"Please Amanda listen to me." She then walked in front of me, resting both of her hands on my shoulders, refraining me to continue to walk.
Even if she was right in front of me I refused to look at her, still trying to pull away but damn she was strong.

"Stop!" She loudly exclaimed, startling me a bit. "I'm sorry I didn't stop you from leaving. I was just as shocked as you alright? But I should have, because I don't regret a thing. Do you hear me? I don't regret it."

My whole body immediately stopped and froze as my mind was working way too hard, trying to process those words that had left her lips.

She didn't regret it.

How could she?

"Look at me."
So I did, being my weak self again.
And I immediately found warmth into her eyes.
"I don't regret a single thing."

She was telling the truth. I knew she was.
Maybe I was afraid to depend on her, afraid of the powerful hold she had on me.
But what scared me the most was the idea of ever disappointing her. Because it would eventually happen.
I was too attached to her to make her endure that hell my life was. I couldn't burden hers like that.

So I said what I thought would make her go away from my life quickly. Before things could turn even worse.

"Well I do. And you really should too."

Even though it broke my heart to see her expression change when those words left my throat, I rapidly left, leaving her alone in the cold mist.

She was hurt. Because of my harsh words.
But I was just lost.
Lost in an whole ocean of incoherent thoughts and feelings. And I so badly wanted to swim towards the shore but it just seemed out of my league. I had to accept that I was destined to slowly sink into the dark unknown.
And I just didn't want to drag her with me.

ღ

Several days had passed, slowly killing me. I was exhausted to avoid her everytime I would meet her. And she didn't make things easy, always calling me after class or following me during the night.
Fortunately Em' understood I needed time for myself, so she left me some space, thinking I finally could breathe when I was just really suffocating.
But tonight she decided to come to me with two hot mugs, causing me to slightly smile.