It wasn't meant to be you

Chapter twenty-three

The funeral was getting closer and closer, it was now only one day away, although it seemed like we had been waiting anxiously for it for weeks. Emma wasn't fully recovered yet and this wasn't helping, it should have been a happy time, that she had woken up, but instead it turned into a sad and mourning time, for her grandma had fallen asleep. That day I drove to he hospital to see her, how she was handling everything, I stayed outside of her room for what felt like hours thinking about what I would say, what I should say to a girl who woke up from a coma to find out her grandma died later that day. I didn't know what to say, did I just act like normal? Or would she think that was mean or disrespectful? I couldn't decide on what to say and how to act in front of her, I had never felt like that with her, as I was thinking about all this, my train of thought was interrupted abruptly for I heard someone calling from behind me. It was Susan, and from her worried face I understood that she had been calling several times before I had finally heard her. 

"Susan, hey. Sorry, I was a little distracted" 

"A little? That's an understatement, a huge one. It's like you're not even even here. Do you know how many time I called you?" I shook my head, embarrassed "About 20 times before you decided to answer me"

"I'm really sorry Susan, I promise you I didn't hear you, I was just thinking about... how beautiful the weather is today" It was a sunny and very clear day, and she looked at me with an expression that said yeah, sure I could tell she didn't believe me, though she understood I didn't want to talk about it so she left it there. I gave her an appreciative look to let her know that meant a lot to me. She smiled warmly back at me, and then continued to walk away, but not before she told me that she had fallen asleep about an hour ago and she wasn't sure she would be awake now. I thanked her and made my way to the cafeteria to grab a coffee, jut to have something to do and not just stand at her door pacing like an idiot. 

After I finisher my coffee I found myself back in the same spot as before pacing and trying to pluck up the courage to go inside and talk to my... I then realized I didn't know what she was with me, what us was, I knew what I wanted it to be, and if this was a different situation I would have talked to her about it, but I wasn't just going to start talking about us when her grandma had just died and her funeral was tomorrow. I decided that what she needed, even if she didn't want to admit it, was for me to be there for her, no questions asked, just support her and help her get through everything that was going on. 

I walked inside, unsure whether she was awake or still asleep, part of me hoping she was sleeping and part of me wishing she was awake. Sure enough she was asleep, hugging her lifelong stuffed dog and tears on her cheeks, indicating she had cried herself to sleep. This made me worry even more, and I sat beside her in my usual spot and just looked at her, admiring her stunning beauty and her pink lips, imagining us back to that night, and feeling that guilt once again, understanding that it would never change, my love for her, the way I felt about her, and that was the reason I blamed myself, for all of it, the accident, the coma... 

While I was looking at her, I saw her wake up, her eyes slowly open, her gaze tired and confused. Then her eyes landed on me, we looked at each other for a while before she spoke. 

"Hey" Her voice was tired and dry, and her hair was messy, slight curls had formed. 

"Hey, beautiful" She smiled slightly at this, and I smiled widely back at her. I didn't know if that was the right thing to say to her but it felt like she needed a little cheering up. 

"What are you doing here? You don't have to check up on me anymore, Chris" She didn't say it complaining or mad, she said it with a dearness in her voice, like telling me she was grateful and that she was fine on her own, but that she still wanted me to come, kind of showing her that I cared about her. 

"I know, I know, but I still want to see you. It's what I look forward to all day" Which was true, I had to resist the whole eight hours of school until 3pm to finally be able to come and see her. It was about 5:30 now, because of all the time I spent outside and in the cafeteria, plus she had been asleep, and I had the faraway feeling that I'd wake her up when I came in and ruin her sleep. "So... how are you doing? Did your parents give you any more information or anything?" It felt wrong and weird in so many ways, it felt awkward and forced, like I felt the need to dress it even though neither one of us wanted to talk about it, she felt that way too, well, there was no turning back now. 

"No. Tomorrow I have to go there at 4 and watch how they talk about my grandma and probably there are going to be people there who barely knew her and talk about her like she was their lifelong friend. I'm not ready, Chris, I'm not ready for the pity looks and the 'I'm sorry for your losses' and the talking to me about how amazing she was and that she's in a better place. I'm not ready for any of that crap. People who don't give a crap that someone, maybe a faraway relative died, people who don't want to be there and couldn't care less, who would rather be somewhere else and who will try to understand me but just making it worse. I can't." When she finished she sank into a pillow and started crying. I played down next to her, and her head slowly shifted into my chest. 

"It's okay" I gently touched her hair and held her in my arms. 

"No, no it's not. I don't want to miss it, her funeral, but I don't know if I can handle being there, I know that if I don't go I will regretted, I just... I don't know what to do" She needed to know that I supported her in whatever she chose to do, that I would be with her that day either way, that it wasn't wrong to feel this way, it was merely human. 

"I will be with you that day, whatever you decide to do, it's not wrong to be human Emma" She didn't answer me, she just hugged me tighter and continued crying, though she cried softer this time, I believe my words of comfort helped. And that made me smile slightly, she was here, with me, and she had trusted me to tell me what was going on, and was comfortable enough to cry with me there, and my words helped her. I came to wonder how it was that I had been so lucky to fall in love with her.