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tw: i know this is a THG fic and you guys are likely going to experience this sort of thing in most fics you read, but read with caution this chapter. heavy mention of torture and suicidal thoughts are mentioned. if that's something that can trigger you badly, do not bother to read this chapter at all. next chapter will be a time jump and it'll make just as much sense, just described it a lighter way.
Zoya use to think about killing herself. Almost always, the thought would hit her. She'd be waking up from a nightmare filled night, and it would hit her. She's got in the train, and it would cross her mind. She'd be in the middle of an interview, and it would overwhelm her. But, nothing compared to what was happening now.
Eight weeks was all it was, two months. Zoya didn't know though, she had no concept of time, of absolutely nothing. She'd count the seconds until a Peace Keeper would come in, dip her in water, shock her. Or, she'd count backwards until they'd come in, beat her, starve her, punish her for crimes that weren't crimes. For the first week, she was present, she had slipped off to a void until the second week.
Week one was filled with many escape plans, attempting to fight back. They'd expected that from her, her intelligence had never gone unnoticed, nor did her strength and bravery. That's why they kept her away from everyone else, also as the worst form of punishment. She had no Joanna. No Annie.
No Peeta.
When week two came around, Zoya was gone. Apart of her still felt all the horrible things that happened, but it numbed her away. She slipped off into her own brain, going to a blank white room and staring. She just stared. While her body wilted and was slowly dying away, she was elsewhere, in her white room, just existing. Sometimes Peeta was there with her, only flashes of him would pass and she'd cry and smile at the same time.
She'd come back sometimes, like if the capitol wanted to hurt her by letting her hear Peeta, Annie, or Joanna experience pain. She'd come back, and she'd scream and cry. She yelled for people that weren't there, like Roz, Katniss, Finnick, Haymitch. Her time there made her realize how little of people she had. People that could manage to get by without her, that would be okay if she wasn't there.
Zoya often wonder why they didn't just kill her, apart of her wanted it to happen. Take her out of her misery, maybe it would somehow help the others. President Snow wanted her dead, she'd destroyed his greatest creation. The capitol saw Zoya and Peeta, their love. The riots burned for them, destroyed places to publish the capitol for the pair. Katniss was the start if it, she was the Mockingjay.
But Zoya and Peeta had been the final match, the one that was thrown onto the deadly gasoline.
For all Zoya knew, Peeta was dead. She was nearly completely certain that he was, there was a little possibly he survived after all she'd heard he'd went through. Zoya wanted to die too, that's all she hoped for after the eight weeks spend there. She wanted to so bad that when she was finally rescued by soldiers from District Thirteen, she'd begged them to kill her, to leave her there to die.
Because what was a life after that? What was she to do everyday knowing that the last eight weeks had destroyed her. She was alive before, then her games killed her, then Peeta had brought her back, then, here at the capitol, she died again.
Getting to District Thirteen was a blur, she was sinking into her void state again. At first she could control it when she wanted to, but now it was over taking her. Maybe that's what dying was, a blank state. Zoya liked to hope there was a better thing that happened after dying, a peace and an endless after life with all the things she'd ever love.
"Zoya!" the voice was there, she recognized it, but her brain was so lost she couldn't place who it belong too. "Zoya!"
She wasn't on the hovercrafts anymore, no, that was clear. A hospital maybe? Her back was against a soft bed, something she hadn't had in eight weeks. She was injected with needles, but that was nothing anymore. Her body was limb, eyes wide opened, but alive.
"Zoya!" there it was again, and this time, they'd been above her.
Roz. Rosalind. Her best friend, her most important person. She was crying, looking down at her. "What's wrong with her?"
"She's in shock, get back." the solider encouraged.
No. No, don't make her go. Stay, please stay with me, Roz. Zoya yelled it over and over, but nothing was coming. Nothing was being said out loud, and she couldn't help it. Stay. Stay with me. Please don't go. Please stay. Just talk, open your mouth. Say something. Get control over yourself. Be strong. Be smart.
"She's responding." the doctor spoke as Zoyas eyes followed the light in her eye. "She's still in there."
Come on, Zoya. Just say something, say whatever you want. Move, do something. Nothing was working, her heart rate was increasing, something was wrong. The doctors knew it, Roz knew it, the soldiers knew, but most importantly, Zoya knew. Talk. Talk. Just open your mouth. Stop it. Do something. Leave the white room. It doesn't exist. You're stuck. You're safe, You're safe.
"Did you get everyone else?" Roz asked in a panic as the doctors continued to try and make her leave.
"Finnick!" it was Annie. Safe. She was safe.
"Someone answer me!" Roz yelled out.
"We got them." Gale, Katniss' friend had said it. Zoya only saw him once, but recognized his face. "Joanna Mason is in the next room, she's okay."
"And Peeta?" Roz asked, clutching her chest. Say something, Zoya. Wake up. Be alert. You're okay, you're safe. Just talk, you can do it. Say something, move, come back. Come back. Wake up.
"We got him. He's alive." Gale confirmed.
A ragged and pained inhale came from Zoya as the doctor and Roz looked in a panic. Zoya did it again, louder. Talk. Say something. Her chest was shaking, her inhale sounded as if something was clogging her lungs. One more time, she did it just one more time, staring up.
"Peeta."
•
kylie speaks
thank god i can get this chapter behind us and move forward, i was dreading this one big time...next one is a lot sweeter and comforting
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