Behind My Eyes.

phantom pain.

tonight wasn't that bad considering how bad the bad days can get and yet for some reason it almost broke me?

i really almost pulled my knife out and used it for the first time in months because i couldn't think of any other way to process the emotions i've been feeling.

i've been tugging at my hair and picking at my skin to avoid grabbing it.

i know where it is and that doesn't help.

it's less than twenty feet from me and it's like i'm itching for it.

i constantly feel that ache on my legs and the burn that resulted from it and it gets me through the day.

phantom pain.

the pain from something that isn't actually isn't there but feels real.

that's what i have to look forward to because i know that i'm not going to pick it up again because i know that if i do i don't think that i'd be able to set it back down and that's probably one of the scariest realizations i've had.

it's so addicting and it literally overtakes everything.

you can't think about anything else and during the day you're just thinking about the next time you'll be able to do it.

i used to keep rubber bands on my wrists and snap them against my skin when i felt the urge to hurt myself and i was out in public and it worked for a while until it just didn't anymore.

i'd like to believe that i'm stronger than that and i'm able to refrain from hurting myself but sometimes i seriously question that.

sometimes i truly don't know if i'd be able to survive another day without a mark on my skin.