The Winner

Take It Easy On My Heart

For a moment, I think it's Nate curled up against me when I wake up. I hold on to his arm that's draped over me and smile, still half asleep. It isn't until I open my eyes and see where I am that I realize I'm lying in bed with James.

I need to figure this shit out.

 I'm destroying Nate's health, hurting James's heart all while letting myself fall into a deep  depression. I feel like the filthiest person right now. Friends don't sleep in the same bed together. Friends don't SLEEP with each other.  Friends also don't make me feel this way.

"I can feel your heart pounding hard already, babe. You always wake up this anxious?" James's low raspy morning voice mumbles into the pillow without lifting his head.

"Apparently."

He pulls me in closer. I've always loved that, being held just like this, regardless of who it was or if it was right or wrong. Something about laying in bed with their arms wrapped around me just like this is so comforting. 

Even with Luke, and that says a lot because it wasn't pretty towards the end. We'd scream and cry, and I'd storm up to the bedroom and shut down. Something I still need to work on. No matter how pissed off he was at me, or how out of control I was, He'd lay down beside me and wrap  his arms around me. Eventually, I'd calm down.

Nate does the same thing. Again, it doesn't matter how  hard I try to hate him. Like the night my room got trashed and tires slashed. The first time Paul became my shadow. I was so pissed at Nate the next morning, and all he had to do was wrap his arms around me, and I'd melt. Same when he held me in Boston.

 Boston.

 I can't even think about that. I feel my heart race even faster, and James notices it. I hold on to his arms tighter and try to relax.

"Mmmm. What's going on in that head of yours already? It's early." He pulls me in closer, still not ready to wake up. I don't answer him. "Hey.."

"Nothing. Go back to sleep." I close my eyes tight and try to stop my thoughts. If I  keep waking up like this, I'm gonna have  to take the pills first thing in the mornings. I don't want that.

 He lifts his head up so he rests his chin in the crook of my neck. 

"You want me to tell Paul to bring you to see Nate later? It's ok, Julia." James sighs.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He turns around and picks up his phone to see the time. "I'll make you breakfast before you go." He gets out of the warm bed and throws on his grey Nike sweatpants, still remaining shirtless, and leaves the room. 

James offering to make me breakfast feels like a dagger through my heart. He's never done anything wrong, and because I love two people at the same time and can't make up my mind, I drag him down with me. And he lets me. He does and is whatever I want him to be. Since I don't know what the hell that is, it changes every day. My brain is on overdrive already, and it's barely eight in the morning. 

Without getting out of bed, I lean over as far as I can to reach my backpack and dig down to the very bottom. I can't start the morning this anxious. It's gonna be a long day as it is. I don't even think twice before opening the prescription bottle and popping an Ativan under my tongue. It helped me sleep through the night, so I'm hoping it keeps me calm today.  I wrap my t-shirt around the bottle and shove it back into the very bottom of my backpack.

 I pull out my black leggings and a light pink T-shirt, grab my white sneakers, and take over the upstairs bathroom to get ready.  Before going downstairs, I turn on the TV.

There is no new local  news, which means the focus is still on Nate and myself. The hospital has barricaded  around the walkway, so fans are forced to be pushed off to the side.