The Winner

Play It Again

Susan Hardy got what she wanted. The story of a lifetime. Exposing Nate Hollan's affair with his America's Voice student, breaking all the legally binding contracts. She ran with the headlines, and my face was plastered on tabloids for longer than expected.

Nate was fined a good amount of money for breaking the rules, and for obvious reasons, was pulled from all the NBC interviews, including performing on SNL and the Today Show.

He pissed off a lot of big wigs, including his producers, but, for some, any publicity is good publicity. His new album was released and blew up the charts, his devoted fans multiplied, and a lot of young women now dream of my story being a possibility for them.

In return, his producers forgave him due to the large sum of cash now flowing their way once again. It didn't alter Nate's career in a negative way, like he anticipated. Instead, people thrived off the story, and the attention he received was nothing but positive. A world tour is planned to kick off in the U.K. in two months.

Trisha got a raise. Paul got a raise. Everyone got a raise. Yet Nate still fills most nights with whiskey to drown out the noise, regardless if his heart can take it.

Every single fucking night he falls asleep holding my favorite green sweater. He still sprays my perfume on it when the scent fades.

His sister remains in the lockdown unit, unable to escape her demons. His mother has yet to be seen since her disruptive encounter at the hospital.

The beautiful gown for the Gala now hangs in Nate's closet. He won't let Trisha return it. He fucks her and thinks of me.

Nate still pays for the Marriott hotel room on the 4th floor. When he gets drunk enough, he will lay on my bed and look up at the ceiling. Sometimes, he'll cry. Sometimes he'll fuck himself. Sometimes he'll do both.

James and Lindsay got back together a few months after I left. He's happy. He's in love. He remains drama free. Maggie is no longer from a "Broken home". Lindsay moved in with James and is happily living the life I wanted. Probably sitting at that little table, drinking coffee next to him with their dog at her feet. Getting her brains fucked out every night before James leaves for work.

Yet the minute he clocks in for his job, James thinks of me, and every time the elevator doors open in the middle of the night, he looks over, hoping it's me that comes out.

Every single fucking time "Play It Again" comes on, I cry. I sob uncontrollably . It doesn't matter where I am. I think of our last dance together and James's voice singing to the lyrics.

And every time one of Nate's songs plays, or I see him on TV, I drink. I drink until I can't feel anything anymore.

I visit my son's grave every single damn day now.

I have nightmares.

I stop eating.

I take pills.

I get numb.

I shut down.

I think of ways to kill myself, but never follow through.

Then I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

This is the way it's supposed to end. Right?

Wrong.

*****

The story doesn't end here. It can't. Not like this.

*****

I wake up from another awful nightmare in a panic. I can't breathe. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop crying. I look around the room, focusing on where I am, relieved it was only a dream.

*****

The next chapter is coming soon!