In a Heartbeat (MxM)

Chapter 2

A/N: Mention of suicide

Simon's POV

I woke up to the sound of water and someone caressing my head. As my vision cleared, I realized  I wasn't on the couch where I had taken my nap, but in the tub of the motel. The pink water from my dream was gone, and for a minute I thought I'd just slept walked into the tub to sleep. Looking down, I noticed what had actually happened. My clothes were tinted pink, probably from the bloody water that was drained given the slight pink ring around the tub. My arms bandaged, and a towel draped over my shoulders. Kneeling next to the tub drying my hair was Aspen, someone I had lived with for the past ten years since that day. Next to him seemed to be some cleaning supplies and bloody towels. His clothes also sported some bloodstains.

A sight I was quite used to.

It wasn't the first time I've woken up covered in my own blood. Aspen had been more than my roommate, more like a caretaker, especially when I've injured myself, both consciously and unconsciously. But the look on his face every time was harrowing. The look of disappointment was frightening and reminded me too much of my father's disapproving stare when I refused to follow in his footsteps as a delta. The same look of a disappointment the entire pack had given my family. 

It was mornings like this that pained me to see Aspen with that look of a disappointment. I didn't like having him help me with the cleanup and aftermath following the nightmares. The perturbed look of his always made me feel like such a burden. Aspen liked to fret about me a lot. He was just like my sister Nicole, always noticing the subtle changes in my mood or behavior.

Even as a kid I hated making my parents and siblings worry about me. I was known to be a bit clumsy, and I would get hounded by Nicole and our mother over the slightest scratch or bruise. It was why I had decided to turn down the application for delta, knowing my mother would fret over every hunt and run I would go on. My mother was already concerned for my father, that I chose to help ease her nerves by watching the younger siblings. Gods forbid my father gets into a hunting accident, I'd have to start providing for the family, and becoming delta would only further worry my mother. Getting injured on the job would only become a burden to the younger ones.

I leaned into Aspen as he continued to dry my hair. A dull ache in both my head and arms began to pulse. He didn't say anything, but I could sense his concern and a slight irritation in the way he massaged my scalp. He paused for a second before reaching for a bottle of water and a pill bottle near the sink. I could tell he was upset, his jaw was tensed and eyes narrowed as he pulled out a single pill from the bottle.

"I can't keep doing this," he finally broke the silence as he handed me the bottle of water and pill. I swallowed the pill and chugged most of the water, suddenly feeling cold, my heart heavy from his statement. My clothes still clung to my skin, the water that had once filled the tub was evidently freezing cold. I didn't want to acknowledge Aspen's words. Before, it seemed like it was just a recurring thought, but today was the first time he actually stated it. Instead, I simply focused on breathing, glancing at his bloodstained hands and shirt. I watched him as he put the towel to the side, clenching it tightly as if he had more to say.

A moment passed before I whispered, "I know."

"Cedar saw," his voice faltered.

My breath hitched. Cedar was Aspen's half-brother, barely a teenager who Aspen had basically raised since he was two. Cedar hadn't known about the nightmares or the suicidal thoughts. We had kept it a secret from him this whole time. Knowing how sensitive he was, Cedar was probably in shock. A part of me felt guilty, regretful, but I knew it was inevitable. Most of the time I had no recollection of the events that led up to mornings like this, it was as if I sleepwalked.  Cedar was bound to find out eventually.