sunsets after dark. | poetry collection

271. - 275.

271.
I hate how I have so much fear for you yet I still want to be around you.
~E, drunk on your presence.

272.
I hate how whenever someone mentions something that you are or were involved in I ask about it.
I ask them questions for the chance that they'll mention you.
So then maybe I can finally stop hoping that you'll come running back to me.
~E, mental tabs.

273.
I hope once you find that someone that you become entangled with.
They take your heart, soul, mind and body.
I hope they break your heart, soul, mind and body.
So then you have a fraction of what you've put me through.
~E, it wasn't fair.

274.
You seem happier here lately.
I want to think it's because of me.
How we talked for the first time this year.
But that's unlikely true.
Since it didn't matter to you if I was there or not.
While you meant the world to me.
I always knew if you were around or not.
I could feel it in my bones.
An aching feeling of just knowing you were unhappy.
I seem happier here lately.
Since I am not your ball on a string anymore.
Just to drag along and pick up and play with when you want to.
I'm realizing how much peace I have when I don't want to be someone else's.
~E, finally enjoying who I see in the mirror.

275.
I wish someone would've told me the discomfort I would feel when being romantically approached by men.
Being told that they think the world of me and want to spend time with me.
Them actually wanting me.
The feeling in my gut that made me nauseous on the fact that I would have to pretend to be someone else.
Just for them to keep wanting me.
The feeling that I couldn't put my trust in them even if I wanted to.
Couldn't ever get to the point of having the same want and desire for them as they do for me.
The feeling that my head was being pushed underwater drowning in my own thoughts and feelings.
Just because I wouldn't allow myself to dip my toes in. In fear of my head being pushed underwater and I couldn't escape from them.
~E, drowning in my own fear.

•••
This may be a hot take but how would y'all feel if I published something of my own? Just poetry since that's mainly what I write. Been a back burner thought for a long time now just have never got the proper courage and confidence to do it.