All The Small Things

165

[Jacob POV]

The girls really wanted me to play basketball ball with them, Lola and me on one team, and Skylar and Doug on the other. I knew Luca wasn't supposed to do a lot because of his head, and I thought it was hurting him bad enough anyway, so I just said yes. Usually, I'd wipe the floor with Doug when it came to basketball, but I mostly let the two girls play. I knew we were messing around for a while, but I didn't realize how long it had been until I figured I needed water and checked the time on my phone. Luca fell asleep at the table, which I wasn't super surprised about, considering the private room Doug was paying for was empty other than us. What I was a little surprised about was that the journal Justin made him take was in front of him, with the pencil bookmarking one of the first pages. Before I even thought that Luca might not want me reading what he wrote, I picked the journal up and opened it at the pencil.
"I'm gonna run these two to the bathroom before we head out," Doug said, resting his hand on my shoulder.
"I'll see you, man," I said before quickly hugging the two little girls bye and starting to actually read what was written.

For as long as I've known him, Luca's handwriting has always been really neat and easy to read. And this was no exception. And that's why when I read it, I couldn't even try and place doubt that I was reading what he wrote wrong. No matter how badly I wanted to tell myself he couldn't actually feel this bad and that I must be wrong, I knew logically that he clearly did feel this way. I didn't think I should specifically bring up what he mentioned in the journal, but I definitely wanted to remind him how much I needed and wanted him. How important he was. I set the notebook back down, with the mechanical pencil replaced back where it was, before gently waking him up. It wasn't very late compared to how late I nornally stay up. Maybe 7 p.m.? but he was so tired that it may as well have been midnight.
"Hi, Bubba," I greeted him as he lifted his head and rubbed his eyes.
"You remember me?" I asked, trying to think of the other questions the nurse told me to ask when he woke up and before he fell asleep.
"Dady," He answered, laying his head on me.
"What color is grass?" I questioned, getting a quiet 'green,'.
"Alright, your heads okay. You wanna go to the car?" I asked.
"Kay..." He mumbled, standing up and carefully stepping over the bench.

I could see he wasn't really "present." He was only half interested in anything the entire drive home. He only perked up when I pulled into the gas station.
"Can I help you do gas?" He asked, his hand on his buckle.
"Yeah, I guess," I agreed, stepping out and waiting for Luca to come over to my side. I didn't mind him helping, but I didn't know why he'd want to. I chalked it up to him, just wanting to do something with me. I handed him my card and let him slide it into the reader. I put my pin in for him and told him which type of gas to pick before I unscrewed the cap to my gas tank and let him put the nozzle in. I leaned against my truck while we waited for it to fill, letting Luca rest against me.
"Do you want a juice?" I asked, starting to gently mess with his hair.
"Yeah..." He agreed, grabbing my hand and playing with my fingers.
"You gonna come with me and pick?" I asked.
"Tay..." He slurred, starting to bite on my fingers.

"My hands are dirty, Bug," I reminded him, but he just shrugged. I didn't say anything else until the gas tank was full.
"Let go for a second," I instructed him, pulling my hand away and putting the nozzle back where it went, and then screwing on my gas cap.
"What kinda juice do you want?" I asked as I led him to he cooler in the back of the gas station.
"Blue," He mumbled, showing me through the glass. I opened the door and grabbed it for him, letting him hold it until we got to the counter. I grabbed an energy drink and brought Luca to the front counter to check out. As we were walking out, Luca suddenly stopped and stared at something. I hadn't even noticed he stopped walking until I glanced over, expecting him to be at my side, and he wasn't. I stepped back over to him and tried to see what he was staring at.

"What?" I asked, seeing him look at me.
"Up! Up, up, up!" He frantically told me when he looked away, holding his arms out for me. I quickly pulled him into my arms and tried to figure out what the fuck he was looking at. It didn't take much longer for me to realize his dad pulled in the gas station, only a couple of parking spaces away from my truck.
"You don't wanna see him?" I asked, genuinely confused. I knew they didn't really get along now, but I never got information on what his dad was like growing up. It was always about his mom. So I just assumed he was neutral. I guess not. I didn't really know what to do. I saw his dad start to get out of his car and figured I needed to stop staring at him.
"No. Wan go home," He answered. I sighed and started walking to the truck, opening the passenger door and setting him in on his side.

"Jacob! Right?" I heard him call as I started to get Luca buckled. I instinctively turned my head to look at him. He looked like he did at the funeral, but obviously wearing more color.
"Yeah. Hey," I greeted him, shaking his hand when he offered it.
"Are you guys free this next weekend? Lila's been wanting to see Luca, and I haven't had a chance to call him and ask. And I figured I ask now since I saw ya," He asked. I didn't instantly get that gut feeling, but that also could've been because I knew he wouldn't touch me.
"Oh, yeah. Even if I'm working, Luca will probably be home," I answered.
"Great. Does next Wendsday work?" He asked, making me nod.
"Alright. I'll tell her and text Luca about anything that comes up. I'll see ya," He said, patting me firmly on my back before heading inside.

Personally, I didn't feel like his Dad was a bad guy. But, I also don't know all the fucked up stuff he's done like my fiance does. So I got in the truck and drove down the road for a couple of minutes before asking Luca why he was so scared of him. I knew he'd fallen out of his head space by now.
"Do you want me to be honest?" He asked, slouching farther in his seat.
"I always want you to be honest," I answered, hearing his sigh before he answered.
"He... would come over on his weekends. And a lot of the time, Momma would be gone. So, I was already really thrown off from my baseline," He tried to explain. You could hear in the way his voice was starting to shake how bad it hurt to talk about.
"So, I'd cry... A lot. And he got really mad, really fast. And when I couldn't stop freaking myself out, um..." He took a pause.

"He'd rape me..." Luca barely whispered, as if he were forcing himself to finally say it out loud.
"Bug..." I whispered, reaching over and firmly grasping his hand without looking away from he road. I vaguely remember him talking about his dad with Lila at the funeral, but not specifics. I can tell, though, he didn't mention this. This was one of, if not the only, time he's ever said it out loud. I didn't know what exactly to say, so the car ride was quiet. We didn't really talk the rest of the night about it. Mostly because Luca didn't want to mention it anymore, so I didn't push it. I just let him go to bed early.