[p o e t r y]

Grow Away

I have a tendency
To detach myself
When things start to hurt
People
Situations
Memories
It doesn't matter what hurts
But if it hurts
I detach myself

It's part of my nature
I don't mean to grow away
I just do

Softmore year
There was this girl
And she hurt
She hurt so bad
That I prayed
I wouldn't wake up
In the mornings
She hurt so bad
I considered
Smashing my skull
Into the shower wall
Because I couldn't think
Of another way
To get my mother's attention
My body screamed daily
For me to "get out"
"To leave the situation"
Because the girl hurt
But instead of smashing my head
I left
And I grew away

In the end
Leaving her was the right decision
But the problem is
Growing away
Isn't always the best decision

6th grade year
There was this boy
And he hurt
He hurt so bad
That I didn't talk to him
For 5 years
It took me five years
To write him a note
To tell him I was sorry
That I had hurt him as well
I wish I had written sooner
Because growing away
Isn't always the best option

When I was in the 5th grade
I moved to this little place
Called Shawnee, Oklahoma
My new house was small,
Full of cockroaches,
And nothing like my old home
My old home was spacious
With room to grow up
And to make memories
But the cockroach house
It wasn't my home
Yet I made it home
Because it hurt too much to
Recall the memories of my real home
It hurt too much to remember
The looped trail behind my home
It stung when I thought of
The birds eggs I had found and hid
In the woods behind my house
I cried when I thought of
The military couple across the street
Who couldn't bear children
Yet longed for nothing more
Than a family of their own
It burned when I thought of
The rusty swing set
My neighbors had given us
That my dad had drug across 7 lawns

It hurt
It hurt to remember
The memories hurt
Because I couldn't still live them
So I stopped remembering them
For almost seven years
I didn't think of the woods
I forgot the barren military couple
I let go of my rusty play set
I just... moved on
No memories, no hurt, no problem
But the problem is
Growing away
Isn't always the best option

So now there's this boy
And he steals the rings off my fingers
And he always steals my $7 Walmart hat
And sometimes he makes me look bad
Because he's a little too touchy
And he's silly too.
He wears the most atrocious
Floral on floral outfits I've ever seen
What's more is
When he's happy it makes my heart happy
Because there's never been a boy
Who's become my brother so fast
And I love him
And when he's happy, genuinely happy
I like to sit back
And just watch
Because his happiness fills
My heart with quiet joy
He's amazing.
He let me paint his nails
And he makes me laugh
And he showed me
I'm still capable of love
But the problem is
He hurts.
He's not intentionally hurting me
He's just... broken
He gets hurt easy
Because he's got a big heart
And he's desperate to be loved
But sometimes the love he wants
People aren't willing to give
And he worries a lot
He worries what people will think of him
And he worries
About what people say about him
And he won't let anyone into his walls
Unless they spend months trying

He's still broken from big things too
It's not just the little hurts
That break his heart
It's the big ones
Moves
Heartbreaks
Family
The moves crushed him
They made him feel unnoticed
The heartbreaks broke him
They made him feel unloved
And his family burns him
They make him feel unwanted
His heart breaks
And because of that
My heart breaks too

I want him to feel
Noticed
Loved
And wanted
Truly I do
So much of my core
Hurts for him
And longs for him
To be content
But
He keeps leaving me on read
Ignoring me
Staring at me
With his broken eyes
Because he can't see that
I want him to be happy
He's a little too broken
To see that right now
And it hurts me.
It hurts my heart
And my instincts tell me
"Run"
"Get away"
"Leave before your heart breaks too"
Like all the memories,
Situations,
And people before him
My heart wants me to run
From this boy
Because that's what I do
I grow away
Before my heart breaks

But I won't
I won't grow away
My heart hurts for him
And I hurt because of that
But I love him
And I love my God
Too much
To leave
When there's still love
I can give
And hopefully
Pain I can carry
So that he can hurt a little less