Just Me Again.

34: Not His Child

SILAS HARRISON

I was shaken. Alice is pregnant. She is pregnant. Is she pregnant – with – with my child? I was too scared to ask her that. No, I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be pregnant with my child. Oh God, no – please no. I could feel my heart in my throat. It was beating so fast – it was going bust. I let out a shaky breath, "What?" I was astonished. My voice came out as almost inaudible. She gulped and looked down on her lap. My eyes started to burn – this can't be true. I can't be the father. God, please – no.

She let out a deep breath before looking up at me. She smiled through teary eyes. "I – Silas, I am sorry." She whispered as tears went down her cheeks. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know how to react. Shall I compose myself or her? She hiccupped, "I am so sorry." She cried as she cupped her face with her hands. I gulped down the lump that I felt in my throat. I was shaking, "Alice – Alice, is it – is it – mine?" My voice wobbled.

She kept crying for a while before she sniffed and looked at me before bowing down her head, "No." She whispered.

Suddenly it felt like I was breathing again. My heart was still beating fast – but, it felt like some sort of burden was lifted off my shoulders. I was still shaken, but I composed myself and ran my fingers through my hair. I blew out my cheeks, "Alice." I said to her and she looked at me. I mashed my lips and put my hand over her cold ones. "What happened, Alice?" I asked. I wasn't sure what else to say.

She sniffed and wipe off the tears off her face. Her eyes were red from crying, so was her nose. "I will not lie to you, Silas, but I came here with the intension to tell you that it was your child." She accepted while she wept. I frowned as she continued, "I was here to tell you that it is your child, but I can't." she shook her head while covering her mouth with her hand. She tugged her hair behind her ear. "How can I do that to you, when we never actually never had sex." She said.

"What?" – was the first thing that came out of my mouth. "We never had sex?" I asked her. But I remember that we did it when I was intoxicated – when I called her Maria. She bowed her head down and slowly shook her head, "No." she whispered. "We almost had it, but before we could engage in it – you passed out." She admitted.

How is that possible? I remember calling her Maria again and again. Were we not having sex when I called her Maria? I looked at her – stunned, "Then, who is the father?" I asked her. She looked at me guiltily, "I am sorry, Silas, but when you weren't ready to engage with me physically – I was disturbed so, I went to this bar and I met this – guy." She said as she mashed her lips. "I wasn't supposed to sleep with him. We both were drinking and you know – he asked me if I wanted to see him the place. I knew he was inviting me to have sex – knowing that you will not be able to give me what I want – I accepted his offer." She said. She cheated on me. "I am sorry I cheated on you." She cried.

"I found out that I was pregnant last week. I went to see this guy, but he doesn't want anything to do with the baby." She told me as her eyes getting redder. I wiped off her face with the sleeve of the over-sized shirt. It was too much to take. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. She kept sobbing while I was trying to get out of the shock. Yes, I never loved her – but I never thought she would cheat like that. Somehow, I can't blame her for that. She wanted more from me and I refused to give it to her – how could I? I was still in love with Maria.

"Why are you crying?" I completely forgot that Kathie was in the room. I looked at the sweet angel as she walked nearer to Alice and offer her a paper. Alice quickly wiped off the remaining tears and smiled at her, "I am just sad." She shrugged. Kathie pouted, "That is sad." She mumbled – causing Alice to chuckle. Alice looked at the drawing that Kathie made and smile. "Who is this?" She asked Kathie.

Kathie shyly looked at me and giggled, "This is Uncle Silas." She pointed towards the doodled she made with blue color. It didn't look like a person – but she is too young to draw properly anyways. Alice smiled and looked at me, before turning her head back to the drawing, "And what is this?" She asked her while pointing towards the doodle Kathie made with pink color. "That is Aunt Maria." She answered. Alice smiled dropped. She glanced at me before she mashed her lips and looked, Kathie. "You drew them together." She said as a small smile came back on her face – it looked forced, but she was trying hard not to cry in front of Kathie again.

"Yes," Kathie replied with a nod before she went back to where she was drawing before and starting doodling again. I looked at her before I turned my head to look at Alice. She was already looking at me, "Even she knows that you two belong to each other." She said. She sniffed, "I don't want to abort this baby." She told me while putting her hand over her stomach. "I came here with the thought that I would tell you that this is your baby and that way you will accept me back in your life." She continued. "That way we will be a happy family." She whispered.

She hiccupped, "But whom am I kidding? We would be a forced family. I know that you can't love me like you love Maria. I changed my mind when I saw you. I just couldn't do it." She said to me.

I swallowed difficultly and put my hand on her shoulder. "You have no idea how much I appreciate what you have done," I told her. "If you would have told me that I am the father – I would have never forgiven myself," I added. "Alice, I can't help it, but I love Maria more than anything. I can fight the world for her." I told her. She briefly closed her eyes as her head bowed. "I don't blame you for cheating on me. I stayed in a void relationship with you when I clear loved Maria. I even called you her and I felt horrible for that." I said.

I cupped her face with my cold hands and lifted her head, "You don't have aborted the baby, if you don't want to, Alice. I promise that I will always be there to help you, to be there for you whenever you would need me." I made her a promise that I am willing to keep. I might not love her, but I care for her. If she needs my help – I will be there for her.

Her eyes met mine as she smiled and nodded, "Thank you, Silas." She said to me. "I thought you would kick me out." She admitted.

I shook my head, "No, I would never do that." I said to her. "I once hurt a girl and I am still paying for that. I still hate myself for what I have done to Maria." I felt the lump in my throat. "I would never do that to her or any other person – ever," I told her.

Alice curled her lips in a small smile, "You two are meant to be together." She said softly.