Splinters: Part One

Part One | 51

Chapter 51 

What If

It had been three and a half weeks. Three and a half weeks and Collie and I did not speak to each other. On the way to therapy, I confessed that to Melissa who told me that she would support me and be there for me no matter what happened. I felt guilty about sleeping with Collie behind my parents' back, but there was nothing I could really do about it. Obviously.

Dr. Johnson promised he wouldn't tell, but he said that maybe that's where all the fighting is coming from. He said that maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe we weren't ready. I didn't know if that was true or not. Of course I've thought about doing it with Collie and I always pictured us doing it later on. Honestly, I feel like she kind of seduced me, like she wanted to do it to save our relationship. I mean it kind of worked. I didn't break up with her, but where did that leave us now?

And that's why the stupid break was killing me! I can't go five minutes without being hit with guilt and praying she won't end it with me because I don't want to end it anymore, not after we've been together like that. I care about her more than that. I love her more than that. The goal was never to get in her pants. The goal was to love her and I don't know how I can love her with fighting about stupid Zech all the time.

But maybe Collie's right. Maybe this break will work and will strengthen our relationship by reducing the arguments. But it kills me! She kills me by not talking to me. If we're going to break up, we might as well just do it already! Save both of us the hurt and the pain.

I hadn't realized it, but my breathing was harsh and quick. I wasn't hyperventilating, but I wasn't breathing normally. Not being good with Collie makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I miss her. I miss our relationship!

I stared at her picture in my phone until I just couldn't do it anymore. I went upstairs and did exactly what people on breaks don't do. I called her. I waited and waited for the beep to stop, for her to answer the damn phone.

But she didn't. And that made me want to punch something.

I don't know what I expected. I don't know why I thought she'd answer. Collie and I are on a break. That's what she wants.

Instead of hanging up and not calling back, I left a voicemail, which was probably worse.

"Collie..." I sighed, pulling the hair at the bottom of my neck. "Collie, please call me back... This... This break is..." I couldn't even think. The words were just spilling out. "Just... I don't like this break thing, alright? Let's just talk it out, okay? We can figure it out. No fighting. Let's just talk. Call me back."

A beep sounded at the phone. I pulled it from my ear to see it hung up on me. I wasn't sure how, but it wasn't enough. I just wanted to hear from her. Despite everything she's done, I still love her. I still care about her. Everyday since we agreed on not talking, it got worse and worse. I thought I'd somehow get happier, but I never did. I just realized by every day, I love her and I miss her and maybe I could look passed Zech even though I really didn't want to.

Maybe she just hasn't realized what she wants like me.

...

"So, are you and Collie still in a bad place?" Grady asked me just as we finished three miles.

I downed three gulps of water from my bottle before answering him. "Yeah. It sucks, Gray. I don't know what's wrong with her."

"You said you two got in a fight."

I nodded. "I know, but..." I took another drink. "I feel like she would've ended this stupid break by now. We'd be talking or we'd be broken up. One or the other."