When We're Older- The Maze Runner (Newt)

crayons

Mae

   I let the warm water cascade down my naked body as I sat on the cold tile floor, watching the dry blood pool around my body. Blood that wasn't mine.

   I couldn't move. I couldn't wash my hair... Too many things were happening all at once. I could hear the boys in the next room, they were all shouting and cheering as they felt the happiness of the showers and being cared for... happy that they weren't forced to take a blistering cold shower at five in the morning, but instead a warm one in the moments where they probably needed it the most. But Teresa and I were silent. She only spoke a word to me when she was getting in the shower, asking me if I needed a towel. I had nodded and thanked her.

I couldn't help the feeling like everyone was suddenly treating me like a piece of fragile glass. Thomas too. Maybe it was just because we had just watched our twelve year old best friend die in our arms. I hated feeling so...helpless. I knew that I should probably pick my ass up and walk around like everything was normal, abide by the advice I gave to Thomas while he was spilling his feelings to us about what he knew. I was mourning instead of letting the sadness fuel me. And I hated that I couldn't push myself to feel a different way.

I stood myself up from the cold tile and dipped my head under the flowing water. With a numb heart, I grabbed a bottle of what looked like shampoo off of a little seat in the corner, and examined the label, maybe trying to remember when I used this stuff before the Maze...all we had was soap. I uncapped it and squeezed a little too much into my hand. Then I just stared at it. I stared at the bit of shampoo I had in my hand, not having any intention of putting it in my hair.

Just take the damn shower, Mae, I told myself in my head. But it was like my mind was separate from what my body was doing. Like they weren't connected anymore. I could almost feel the little bit of happiness and sanity drain from me like the memories had when I came up into the Box. Granted, I wasn't screaming and punching the ceiling, but it's what I wanted to do.

With a frustrated grunt, I slapped the shampoo onto the top of my head, squeezing my eyes shut firmly to stop the oncoming tears from falling. I was sick of crying. Sick of everything really. I harshly messaged it into my head, then stood under the water. My eyes were closed, and I was holding my breath, trying not to breathe in any of the hot water. When I was sure all of the shampoo was gone from my hair, I stayed put, feeling the heat slightly burn my back. I kept holding my breath until I felt like I couldn't anymore, and only then did I step out from under the water and let out a cough into my bare elbow.

"You okay?" Teresa's voice echoed throughout the room and through my thoughts. I nodded, but then realized that she couldn't see me. I sighed, hating the fact that I had to speak. My voice probably sounded like I swallowed a handful of pebbles.

"Fine." I responded with one word. I questioned if she had heard me, because she didn't respond. Or maybe I just spoke too quietly.

Eventually, I forced myself to grab the other bottle of hair washing treatment and finish the shower that was taking me an abnormally long time. I shut the water off when I was done with it, suddenly wanting nothing more than to get out of the warmth and be dry. I couldn't make up my mind. Did I want to stomach the food I had previously eaten, or did I want to throw it all up and cry myself to sleep once again? I wanted to run away, but I wanted to stay with my friends. I wanted to be alone.

I quickly wrapped a towel around my body and stepped out, seeing the pile of clothes that laid on a nice bench. There was only one pile left, so I assumed that Teresa was already in the other room. I walked over to them, feeling a strange sense of familiarity wash over me. I suddenly felt like I was a Greenie again. Finding my room on the first night I came up in the shucking Box. The feeling of wanting to cry, but knowing that I had to stay strong. But what was there to be strong for now? If we really were free, then where do we go?