Partners in Speed - ver.2 (also Street Racers #2)

SR 8. Taehyung

I don't work for the rest of the day, and Wooshik is in Daegu, packing up his old apartment. I take my time to, finally, clean my place. I fucking hate cleaning, even if technically it's just one room and the bathroom.

It's excruciating work (I much better like to clean my garage) so I busy myself thinking about Jungkook's family at first. In their own ways, but they clearly love him a lot. Both his uncle and his grandma, and grandpa I suppose, brought him up. These are the people that watched him grow up. Watched him go through everything, even though I'm sure they don't know about everything. Jungkook isn't the type to overshare. Or even share, to be honest. He's an overthinker and an undersharer, unless you make him talk.

I think about his uncle again. When he looked at me then, my first thought was he wants to be in your place. Now I don't really get it. Jungkook said he's always talked about relationships and women. Maybe I misread something.

And then, when I wash the dishes (horrible task), I start saying it.

"I love you."

I say it out loud. Once. Then twice.

"I love you."

To nothing and no one in particular. I just say it. And say it. And say it. I keep saying this as I clean up.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

By the time I've said it at least a hundred times, I start smiling. It's ridiculous. Funny. Strange. But I start feeling good. Lighter. More... joyful. So I keep saying it, I love you, and I find myself laughing to myself. For a split second I even enjoy cleaning my apartment. And for a second I genuinely love this place. Small and flavorless, but a roof over my head nevertheless.

"I love-" I fall quiet, because I'm looking into the bathroom mirror.

Have you ever said it to yourself?

Of course I haven't. I haven't even thought I ever could. And I never planned to.

But I'm supposed to be making peace with myself. There is nothing wrong with me.

I mean, there probably is something wrong with me. No one's perfect.

But... even if... does that mean I can't love myself? Do I have to be perfect to love myself?

I can't wait to love myself until I rid myself of all flaws and mistakes. I'd wait forever, then.

Loving yourself is such a weird concept to me, but there is something appealing in it. Now that I'm moving away from the old ways of thinking and seeing things, self love isn't as foreign as it used to be.

Years ago I thought I had to be like Jungkook to be loved by my family. If it happened, I probably still wouldn't love myself. Wouldn't even accept myself.

Months ago, I thought I just had to be better to be acknowledged by them as a family member. Maybe accepted. Not even loved. If it happened, I still wouldn't love myself.

Maybe I don't need to meet any requirements to love myself. Maybe I'm just someone I'll spend the rest of my life with, whether I want it or not. And maybe loving myself – accepting and respecting myself – is the only logical thing to do.

Maybe I'm just a guy who was always drawn to being authentic but was so terrified of not being loved that he grew to hate himself?

If I want to be myself, I can expect only one person to love me. Myself. No matter who I become and how much I change, and even if I don't change at all, and how much I accomplish, and how much I fuck up. I can expect it from myself, and I can love myself.