Hesitation 18+🔞

Chapter 13: Everything all at once

You submit your request to meet Noah and Gwen in Stohess this Sunday and, like Noah said, it immediately got approved. The week peacefully goes by and Erwin's scouting formation is drilled into your heads. The weather has been beautiful and gave the opportunity to practice your advanced moves with the 3d gear and even get in some successful rides with Mara. Understanding your momentum allows for better fuel conservation.
It's scary to think that in exactly one week, you'll all be on this expedition. Anxiety builds inside of you, it's becoming harder and harder to shake off as the day you've all been preparing for nears. You start thinking about everything all at once. Having seen the others fall into their fears, you've managed to be there, consoling those around you.
Who are you kidding? You're a fraud. You're just as scared as everyone else. It's not even your own safety that you're worried about, it's the safety of those you care about. Eld lingers in your mind the longest. You watched Gwen almost lose her life in front of you, what if Eld doesn't make it? What if none of them do? What about Jean or Sasha?
You shake your head in an attempt to shake the thoughts away but it doesn't work this time. Panic rises inside as you struggle to regulate your breathing.
Fuck, it's happening.
Tears start pouring out and sobs begin to escape. You grab your pillow and put it over your face, sinking to the ground. You try every technique to snap out of it, but this panic is uncontrollable. You scan the room with blurry eyes and hope to see something to distract yourself with until you notice the drawer in your desk. One forceful tug and the entire drawer comes out, you try not to drop it and break the ink, shakily placing it on your desk. The inked up orange you've been practicing on is long gone but if you can just calm yourself down enough to pour some ink into the tiny jar and grasp the needle, you're already there. Before you can open the ink, there's a knock at the door.

"Yes?"

"It's Jean."
You put down the jar, and take your sleeve to your face to wipe your tears

"Come in"
Why is Jean here right now? Your face must be red and puffy, but you manage to pull yourself together enough to appear occupied by digging through your drawers for a needle. Jean interrupts your frenzy as needles are laid out across the desk

"Oh wow, what are you doing?"  He asks

"I am practicing, I want to learn how to tattoo people."

"Cool! You know how to tattoo?"

You struggle to answer, your breathing gets rigid again and

"W-what happened (Y/N)? Are you okay?" You feel a hand on your shoulder.
He gives you a minute to catch your breath before you lift your head up

"Nothing happened. It's just... it's unreal how fast this month has gone by. I'm okay, really. Did you need anything?"

"No. I just came by to say thank you. I appreciate all of you going out of your way for me."

You turn to face Jean, its these moments that you love and it's important that you're present for them. Living in the future will do you no good. Like you always tell yourself, despair is a tough hole to crawl out of, and it takes more effort to dig yourself deeper than try and climb yourself out.

"Of course, Jean. I'm glad you had fun." You smile at him.

"So is that real tattoo ink?" He eyes the  equipment at your desk

Turning back around, you explain the process of tattooing to him, everything you've practiced so far, and your ideas for your own future body modifications.
The clock reads 12:06pm, almost an hour has passed since Jean interrupted you mid-spiral. It's time for lunch already.
It seems that as the expedition nears, you grow fonder of those around you, developing a deeper appreciation for every one of your comrades.