Hesitation 18+🔞

Chapter 30: Look at me

Levi's POV

Returning to the office was a mistake, you can't seem to focus on any of the paperwork out in front of you. No one dares to challenge your authority, why does this girl constantly test you? She's like a thorn in your side, incessantly pricking at your patience. It is infuriating how she effortlessly gets under your skin, disrupting the calmness you have fought so hard to maintain. Her mere presence forms storms within you, but you refuse to acknowledge them because feelings have no place in this world, especially not for someone so unpredictable and disruptive. It's a force that you try to extinguish, but it only grows stronger the more you resist.
You find it difficult to tear your eyes away from her whenever she enters the room with her mischievous grin and sparkling eyes. Damn it, she knows you're breaking and it only fuels her audacity, but you refuse to falter.
You won't admit, even to yourself, you have any sort of soft spot for her, and so, you continue keeping her at a distance. Your words are sharp, laced with a bitterness that masks the truth, pushing her away, hoping she will take the hint and leave you alone. But she persists, undeterred by your coldness.

Slamming your papers down, you make your way to Erwin's room. He's supposed to have been moved to his bed earlier today, since he's in stable condition and was cleared the leave the infirmary. That has to be a good sign, he's probably beginning to wake up as his body heals. You exit your room, and knock gently on the door and are greeted by Commander Pyxis.

"Nice to see you Levi, I've got to run though. He's... the same." The man smiles at you as you nod and enter the room.

You dismiss Erwin's squad from guarding his bed, and they gather out in the hallway, leaving you two alone.
You take a seat by his bedside and watch how Erwin's chest rises and falls with each breath, letting several moments of peaceful silence slip by. Even when he's not conscious, Erwin has a way of calming you down.

"How are you still sleeping?" You blurt over his body, but immediately realize your contempt and smother it.

"I'm tired." Many people, both physicians and soldiers have told you that Erwin is most likely able to hear you, but every time you have this one sided conversation with him, you grow more and more hopeless inside.

"She's driving me crazy. It's like, it's like she has no discipline, no respect for authority... I mean, if you would've seen the way she questioned me throughout that debriefing, over and over and over, wasting my time... I don't know. I'm tired, I just... walked away. I didn't know what to say... I prioritize my duties, I do all the right things, yet she still finds a way in. Why does she insist on disrupting my existence? She's nothing more than a distraction, a mere inconvenience."

Levi realizes that he's been mumbling longer than he'd like to about her, so straightens himself up in an attempt to regain his composure. You sit in silence for a bit, calming yourself down in the cool, dark, quiet room.

"You know, this is a real shit time to leave us. Hange, she's been really going through it lately. It's not just the sheer amount of work from losing all those soldiers, we have a lot happening, a lot of new discoveries... a lot of new problems... but no answers, no solutions. She constantly asks herself what you would do in these situations, and I find myself asking that too... I don't have the answers."

You pause, trying your best to keep it together for everyone.

(Y/N) POV
Time skip to Wednesday, one whole week since the incident & waiting to be cleared from the infirmary

The nurses are taking longer to get back to you than they did with Jean, they cleared him to return to full duty almost right away. You're trying your best to contain your impatience, but your feet anxiously swing beneath you as they dangle off the bed. Where is everyone? The infirmary is pretty empty, only a few other people are in here, most likely for the same reason as you are. You do feel better, although not 100%, but at least halfway. It still hurts to lift yourself or to carry anything heavy, also bending your body at the hips from either side is near impossible... it's still an improvement though, they should be able to clear you based on progress. You've already missed 3 days of training on the Levi Squad and your last interaction with him leaves you feeling nervous. You've only briefly run into him in passing, and he is so good at pretending like you don't exist, it almost feels as if you really are a ghost.
You try to bury your thoughts and focus on the party you've been planning with Sasha for Conny this Friday. Unfortunately, when you all went to Eren's room for drinks, you both got a bit too drunk and told him about his surprise party. Even though you ruined the surprise, it gave Conny something to look forward to this week, so maybe it's better that it turned out that way.
You hear footsteps and straighten up, hoping that the nurses have good news for you, but they just walk right past you. The disappointment every time a nurse walks past you with no updates is starting to really fuck with you. The next person you see walk past, you call out to.