The Death Of Me ✔️

dépaysement

Dépaysement
(n.) when someone is taken out of their own familiar world into a new one.

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Chapter 81

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Justin's cute grin as he waved one last time before turning around and handing the man his ticket, while wiping his face with the back of his hand, that is the picture I couldn't get out of my head. He left. And suddenly Jacksonville felt like a cold dumpster.

It was on our way to the airport, when I was pressed to Justin's side when he showed me a playlist. A collaborative playlist on Spotify that he made for the two of us only. I smiled at how we shared these accounts among us only. Not even letting Shawn in. The said playlist was being played in the speakers in Adrian's room while I limply laid on his bed, looking at the moon out of his window. Everyone was out of the gang house, supposedly preparing for the upcoming war against the vipers. All I felt was drained.

The eccentric rock song ended and a soft ballad began, immediately my eyes started to water.

It's what I deserved. I deserved to be separated from this one constant I've had in my unstable bullshit of a life. Because the second I found my family, I abandoned him. Neglected him. Only went back to him when I was in a desperate need and he gave me everything he could. So selflessly. I tilted my head towards the red toy car he had given me in the hospital. Of course I still have it, I'm in love with him. He was- is my bestfriend.

A teary eyed Shawn had offered me if I wanted to go back to our house, and I, with a sickening squeeze in my chest, told him I had moved out. His eyes were so red. But he nodded and walked away. The sole reason he moved here to finish his last year of high school was because his cousin was here. He told me he'll stay in Justin's apartment for the next few months and return to Chicago after graduation. I had told him he made a good decision.

Adrian has stayed through it all. And I still felt so, alone.

I sat up, the smell of dye making my head spin. After coming back home, I had dyed my hair back to brunette, to find some sort of connection with the person I once used to be. The brown shade was wrong, and so was everything in my life.

I looked at the discarded leather jacket on the floor, which was Adrian's that I had claimed my stake on. There was an sudden urge to set the jacket on fire. I decided against it when I went to grab the backpack of my school books. I took the bag and left Adrian's room.

While they were in the warehouse, questioning Cameron and some other guy I don't remember, I opened the physics book. The letters started to seem foreign. I buried my nose in book, letting the numbers and theories fill up my head.

Some hours later, I felt a hand on my shoulder and took off my AirPods, forcing a smile up at Adrian. "Babe, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like silly?"

Adrian smiled, before placing a kiss on my cheek. "I won't disturb ya, I'll call you when it's time for dinner."

"No need, I already had some instant noodles."

"Oh, alright then. Come to bed before it's too long."

I only nodded.

**

I couldn't for the life in me, muster enough courage to go and visit the only best friend I had left with, and go talk to him. He was in the gang house. And he had asked where I was.