Best Years - L.R.H

4.

Late at night is when I feel the most suffocated.

An unexpected intense wave of fear hits me and I'm left gasping for air. My heart starts pounding so hard it almost hurts, I can't breath and it feels like I'm going crazy or even dying.

It always strikes out of the blue, without any warning, and sometimes with no clear trigger.

The worst part is the choking sensation and struggling to breath. I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

When I was younger I would just cry and cry for hours. I felt so alone and like I couldn't talk to anyone. Thinking about it to much would just make me cry even harder.

I was actually on medication for a long time. In the beginning I was fine with it but the more pills I had to take the more complicated things got.

So far I've been avoiding these late night panic attacks by going to bed early. I don't give myself the chance to trigger it.

I haven't had any panic attacks these last few days. I have no fucking clue why it started up again tonight.

I'm alone in my hotel room, pacing back and forth in the bathroom. My tears carving a path down my face. The cold tiles being the only thing keeping me centered in this very moment.

***

"Aayyyyyyy it's the guest of honour!" Calum said by greeting.

"I didn't realize you guys held me in such a high regard." He leaned over and put an arm around my shoulder. This was out first hug. I put both my arms around his waist and just enjoyed this moment. I haven't had one in so long.

He lead me into their hotel room. I immediately noticed how much nicer their place was than mine. It was bigger for starters, there were two beds on the right side of the room. The kitchen area was on the left and I'm guessing the door on the other side of the room lead to a bathroom.

I noticed they even had a balcony. I didn't see the boys anywhere around the room.

"Beer?" Calum with an outstretched hand offered me the alcoholic beverage.

"Sadly I can't take it, I'm not legal. Wouldn't want you guys getting in trouble."

I took another look around. This place was really neat and tidy. I didn't expect it from them. I didn't think they were slobs but I wasn't expecting this.

"Don't worry, I'm not legal either. Ashton's over twenty one so he gets it for us. If you change your mind just let me know." He smiled and lead me to the balcony.

The smell of steak hit me. This must be what heaven smells like.

"God that smells fantastic." my mouth started watering.

Luke and Michael were seated on plastic chairs, there were three unoccupied ones next to them, Ashton had a aprain on that said 'Kiss the chef'. Calum walked past me and sat next to Luke. They were the closest to the grill that Ashton was cooking on. They all had beers in hand.

There was a table next to the grill filled with all types of meat and spices. I didn't know ashton was such a Gordon's ramsay.

"So, not only is Ashton a master chef but he's also the grandpa."

Michael choked on his beer. Calum chuckled and luke... Luke was stunning. He stared up at me with those sky blue eyes of his.

"Funny, here I thought you'd be nice to me." ahston said while facing the grill.

"My apologies ash, you really do have a nice set up going here." when I called him ash he immediately turned around. He dramatically took a bow and offered me the open seat next to the grill.