Fighting for love

Chapter 62

Clytia was laying on her back, staring at the ceiling of Nolam's bedroom at his parent house. Nolam was on the other side of the bed, his back to her, his breathing slow. They did not talk much. He remained by her side, making sure she had everything she needed.

She was touched by his presence and appreciated how caring he was. But she was not comfortable. She did not want to allow her heart to enjoy it knowing that there was an eventuality it wouldn't last. It couldn't last. Even now that she knew that the divorce papers were just fake, it was hard for her to process everything. She wasn't even mad at Janice. She felt numb and empty. She didn't know whether she should be grieving her lost baby and her marriage.

She turned on the bed and looked at Nolam's back. He was so close, yet so far. She felt so lonely. She sighed and got out of the bed. There was no need for her to remain in that room. She went downstairs and sat down in front of the TV, the remote in her hands. She didn't know how long she stayed there, staring at the black screen without even turning it on. It was only when she saw the light shining through the windows that she realized that she had spent the whole night there.

She put the remote down and went upstairs. The whole house was still asleep. She slipped into the bed, making sure not to wake Nolam up. Few minutes later, she felt the bed dipped behind her. She remained still. She didn't want him to know she was awake. She was waiting for him to leave the bedroom, but was surprised to feel his arm around her waist while he spooned her body from behind.

The days went by in a timeless blur for her. Nolam, his siblings and his parents were always by her side. The only moment she was alone was at night when she would slipped out the bed and sit in the living room or the patio. She would always make sure to go back to bed at dawn and pretend to be asleep. She would take small naps during the day. She knew it wasn't healthy but whenever she would try and sleep at night, she would dream of babies and wake up anxious and empty.

"What are you doing?"

Clytia jumped at the voice. She was laying on the couch as usual. She had not realized that Nolam had joined her in the living room. He was rubbing his eyes, in an attempt to wake himself up.

"Oh! I wanted to watch the TV." She replied softly.

"Maybe you should turn it on." He said, his voice laced with sleep.

"Right. Go back to bed. I'll join you later."

He shook his head and gave her a hand. "Not without you. Come on, let's go."

She took his hand and followed him. They laid in bed together, facing each other without any physical contact.

"You should try to sleep." Nolam said.

"I can't. I tried but I can't."

Nolam drew her closer and rested his chin on top of her head. Clytia sighed, enjoying the warmth. It felt good. For the first time in forever she felt something. She put her forehead and a hand on his chest.

"I am sorry Nolam" She said softly.

"What are you talking about?" He replied back after a moment of silence.

"I'm sorry for everything I put you through."

"Can we have that discussion later in the day?" He suggested. "Maybe after few hours of sleep."

"Please, I need to get it out of my chest." She reasoned with him.

"Cly, I know you leave the room every night and only come back at dawn. And I'm pretty sure you barely sleep. Can you please try to rest a little! That discussion can wait."

To say that Clytia was surprised would've been an understatement. She thought she had been careful. Without leaving the comfort of his embrace, she raised her head. But she couldn't see a thing. It was took dark. It annoyed her that she couldn't make up his facial expressions. She thought about getting up and turning the light on, but she was scared to break their little bubble.

"You will turn into a nurse in the morning as usual. Even if you don't want to talk, just listen please."

"Okay." He finally agreed.

"Even though we both made our mistakes, some we wish we never made, you are still here, by my side, taking care of me. Why are you being so nice to me?" She was confused. But also scared of his answer. She waited for a while. His answer never came.

"I am scared of losing you Nolam." She murmured against him. "No matter how scared I am, everything that happened made me realized that I cannot keep going on like this. It will eventually kill me. If you know... Deep down... If you know that you cannot find the strength to let it go and move on,... Nolam please let me go. Do not lead me on. I beg you." She finished on the verge of tears.

Clytia felt like crying her heart out when she was met by the heavy silence. Gently she pushed on his chest to remove herself from his embrace. However, he didn't release her. If anything, he drew her even closer to his body, tightening his hold on her.

"We'll make things work out." He finally said. "We have to. Because I refuse to lose you."

Clytia relaxed in his arms, her fears slowly melting. "Are you sure?"

"Cly, we've been through enough. I think we'll agree on that. We both need to grow up. I am tired of always fighting for everything and on everything... I won't lie to you, for a while I had given up on us." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Cly... I have thought about it. I still love you. More than my own life. I don't want to lose you. Fuck! I don't want to lose us. Those weeks without you were hell. But I need to know that you're ready to do whatever it takes."

"I am. I swear. Whatever it takes."

"Okay. I think we should go to therapy."

"Oh!" She sounded surprised. "We don't need therapy Nolam. As long as we are still in love, we'll be fine."

"You're wearing a mask. You pretend to be fine when you're not. That is not healthy. We always use sex when we're angry and mad at each other. It is not healthy. There is no shame in going to a counselor. I think it's just us admitting that we're not perfect in our partnership and looking for help. What you need to understand is that no matter how much I love you, I am tired and I don't want to be in a toxic relationship. So tell me Cly, are you really ready to do whatever it takes for us?"

She sighed for what felt like the thousand time. He was right. Their relationship was toxic. Instead of dealing with their issue properly, they were digging their own graves. She wanted to be happy with him by her side. "Okay. Let's look for a therapist in the morning."

"Good." Nolam said dragging her with him as he rolled them. He was now on top of her while she was laying on her back. Slowly he caressed her face, his fingers tracing from her cheeks, to her jaws, to her lips. "I love you honey." He whispered before kissing her gently.

Clytia smiled against his lips. He had called her honey. She hadn't realized she had missed that nickname. "I love you too."

Nolam kissed her one more time, before sliding lower and resting his head on her stomach while hugging her body. "I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you. Now it's time to sleep. Close your eyes and try to sleep, okay?"

"Okay." She replied still smiling. And for the first in days she fell asleep almost instantly after closing her eyes, her heart finally at peace knowing that they had a chance. A chance at happiness.