𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩𝙡𝙮 | the trickster × female reader

chapter thirty-eight ; acceptance

third person pov:
do you ever have that feeling where things won't ever get better, and it seems like it is the same shit over and over again? the feeling that you long for something but you just can't seem to figure out what it is, not because you aren't trying hard enough to figure it out, but you really just.. can't? how the feeling slowly eats you up inside, to a point that you get so frustrated because you have to walk around wherever you are, thinking about that one thing that is making you feel as if though there is an empty hole in your heart that you are trying to fill? 

that was something that y/n felt.

though she knew exactly what the feeling was and why she was feeling it, she could not help but keep it to herself. ever since that incident with ji-woon, it just seems as if though she just wants to be alone, and it seems like ji-woon, as well, does not want to approach her as of now. it was rather something that she always wanted to tell him, to apologize and to let him know what she is trying to mean, but she knows that she will get yelled at once again if she does so. god, the feeling was already causing physical pain to her soul.

it was something that she could not heal or recover for the past few days - even the nurse could not seem to wrap her finger around what could be going on. it was scary, but she did not seem to care anymore. 

this feeling, somehow, just makes y/n feel as if it is something that she shouldn't hinder with. ever since the incident with ji-woon, she figured that she was going to leave it be; god knows what happens if she ever figures out what is going on with her and her body.

"y/n, is everything alright?" the beautiful queen adiris approached the journalist, "you seem very melancholic these days. are you in, perhaps.. mourning?" adiris slowly and gently laid her hands on the girl's shoulders, to which the said girl sat down. she couldn't bother to reply to her, even though she wanted to, and she did. "everything is alright with me, adiris." she cracked a smile, to which the queen persisted. "there surely is something wrong with you. god, i have even seen the same go for ji-woon. what's wrong?" she asked again.

adiris was the type to not leave the subject alone until something was enough for her - that is what they have in common.

"well, me and ji-woon haven't been on good terms lately," y/n spoke, "and it's best if we just had some space first." she looked down. the older lady hugged the girl, who unfortunately did not respond to the hug. but the priestess didn't care about that. all she cared about was that she just wanted to see her friend happy again. everyone does. nobody would ever want to come across the news that their beloved has fallen deep into the pit of sadness and melancholy.

"have you tried talking to him about it again?" adiris asked, to which the girl responded with a 'no'. "you have to talk with him my dear. it won't turn out well if you guys do not apologize for each other." 

y/n sighed. there was sometimes things that she could do but sometimes there were also things she could not do. and to realize that it also applies in this realm, it was surely horrible. had she known that she was going to be in this position, she would have studied more on how to be closer to ji-woon.

now, she is - she is closer to the man that she fell for, but not in the way that she wanted it to be.

"am i really that crazy?" she chuckled, "was i that crazy to fall for such a man who kills and does not even think of the future with me?" adiris looked at her, somehow feeling her words. y/n kept letting out these small chuckles, as if she was ready to accept the fact that she was not going to have the life that she wanted in this realm. "i thought that i could be able to handle myself in this part of my life where i could have control over everything. but thanks to the ignorance or the recklessness from my own hands, i have lost control over myself."

adiris felt sorry for the girl. to be fair, out of everyone in this realm, it'd be obvious that these two are just trying to make this place feel like home, even though it isn't. everything else in here is just another life for all of them to make it feel as if life just goes on for them all; but it isn't.

"must i remind you that you can't ever escape from this place?" adiris spoke softly, "as much as we try and to escape the grasp of the entity, we can't. it's all a nightmare, but it's all real." the journalist suddenly stood up, feeling the familiar fog surround her. the said girl looked at the priestess for the last time and smiled softly. "thanks adiris." adiris raised an eyebrow. "for what?" 

but it was a little too late for the journalist to respond, as she was taken away by the fog, sending her into a trial. but little does she know, this trial was going to be a lot different than just this.

the fog slowly disappeared into thin air, revealing to y/n that they were in y/n's own realm. the house. she sighed, cursing at herself for coming back here. but somehow, she did not feel the same conscience that once took over her body arrive and flood itself into her mind. she felt like herself, but the pain and the endless feeling of emptiness flooded her instead.

she felt true, once again.

her eyes looked to her hands, which was soft and not wounded anymore; no longer were the cuts on her hands present anymore, nor was the paleness of her skin. she was y/n again. but what could be the reason why? she began to take a look around, noticing the generators and everything else needed in a trial was there. hell, she could not even bother to go hunting for the survivors herself. 

you might not see it, but every time she was in a trial, she began to grow more and more reckless of herself, feeling as if though she was going to lose bits of herself anytime soon.

she heard a generator pop, and quickly walked to the source of the pop. she then saw meg, kneeling down slightly burned from the generator pop. her heart softened; remembering all the times that she was helping meg in fixing the generators and all that, now, she is the one that usually has to destroy them so they would not escape. meg seemed to have sensed her presence and flinched. "d-don't hurt me, y/n. please. i beg of you.." meg pleaded, bowing down whilst on her knees.

she felt so sorry for them all.

she crouched down to the athlete, reaching out with her hand as she caressed the other girl's hair. meg, with surprise, looked up to the killer - the killer was showing sympathy, for the first time in a while. though y/n was having a throbbing headache in her head, indicating that the entity wants her to do her business, she did not. "i'm.. sorry," she smiled bitterly, and with pain, "i am sorry for t-throwing you off."

the athlete did not matter if she was facing her best friend who became something beyond her imaginations and wildest dreams, but all she knew was that she was finally hearing the two words that she wished the journalist would mutter. finally breaking her strong act this whole time, she burst into tears. hugging onto y/n - who was surprised by the time - tightly, she let out her entire bottle of emotions and poured it out to her. the journalist embraced the girl, not wanting to let go too. it was something that made her realize that they, too, have been afraid of what was in store for them, and what they did not want to face but still had to. she wanted to protect them, even if it met eternal damnation for her. 

the sound of meg crying attracted the other three survivors; nea, kate, and laurie. the three bets friends that the journalist held so close before she became what she became now. kate stared at them with surprise as well with laurie, while nea was in too much emotion she could not help but run to them, with kate and laurie following suit.

though no words were shared with their bond, it was known that they were friends again; something you do not see everyday. "y-y/n you must have been so scared in there, were you?" nea muttered through her tears as the said girl nodded. the artist embraced the journalist as she shed quiet tears. kate sniffled, "y/n i'm sorry. i am so sorry, i should have known what you were going through." the guitarist apologized, but y/n begged her not to do so. "it wasn't your fault." she deeply inhaled, trying to control her emotions. lastly, laurie, her first friend there, embraced her as tightly as they could.

they were a crying mess, but they were a crying mess together.

"b-but why aren't you killing us? if you're a killer why aren't you..?" nea asked, to which y/n shook her head. "i don't know, but i don't want to kill anymore. even if ji-woon would be disappointed in me. i just wanna be with him and with you and.. live a peaceful life." she monotonously spoke through her tears, finally controlling them.

they began to notice something in y/n, something that made them feel as if though she truly was being herself. she was finally showing her actual true colors; letting them see just how tired and scared she was this whole time.

"i'm tired you guys," y/n chuckled as she laid down on the cold ground, "my head has been hurting this whole time." she spoke softly. they noticed the color drain from the girl, but they did not say a word. "why don't you rest? we can stay here beside you by the time you fall asleep, darlin'." kate smiled, knowing that y/n sure did love that nickname even way back while the said girl was a survivor just like them. y/n felt her heart warm up; she finally felt what seemed to be.. happy.

nea sat on one side, while laurie sat on the other, leaving kate having y/n's head on her lap. "how was ji-woon, y/n?" kate asked softly, caressing the journalist's hair. meanwhile, the journalist had her eyes closed. "he's good. we haven't been on good terms lately and i think it's time." laurie raised an eyebrow. "time for what?" she questioned. y/n chuckled, feeling her heart crack just a little bit. "for me to accept the fact that there won't ever be a thing called love in this wretched realm." she mumbled, loud enough for them to hear as they felt sorry for her.

everyone in this gathering had relatives and lives of their own waiting for them back in the real world; people who they don't even remember the images of anymore. only the memories or the little belongings that they bring, break, and lose in the trials are sourced as the memories of the real world. the only thing that made them feel as if there was hope in this place was called memories.

"i'm so sorry y/n," nea apologized, "i did not want you to go through something that had to pain you once again." she explained. "it's okay. why are all of you sorry for me anyways?" the journalist stood up, somehow smiling as she pointed to the house. "let's go there. the wind is colder in the house of memories anyway."

your pov: 
everyone else agreed to your decision of wanting to go to the house that now served as your part of the realm in this damned place. smiling, you walked slowly towards the house. this house was something that you did not want to go back to, but somehow, you still wanted to. maybe because there was somehow a feeling of wanting to embrace memories in this place. 

your head still throbbed with pain that grew more and more, but you did not care anymore. you did not want to go through with the business that the entity wants you to do. you just wanted to do your own thing now.

entering, you closed your eyes smiling as the footsteps of your friends followed behind you. "how is harrington back in the campfire?" you asked, to which laurie laughed. "he's always getting teased by nancy and the others. but he does miss you.. a lot." 

you smiled softly; remembering all the times with steve - even the little arguments and debates you had with him - made you feel nostalgic. "does he now?" you chuckled as your fingers grazed the worn out table, hearing a hum of approval by laurie. "he sometimes wished he had done better with you." the former babysitter spoke, to which your smile became a bitter one. it surely was a journey with him.

going up the creaky wooden stairs, you looked up. remembering all the mirrors that were placed in there, you remembered all the times that you had with your imaginary friend here. so strange as to how she isn't present right now, but it's a good thing.

you sat yourself down on the ground in front of the mirrors while your friends followed suit; honestly, it's intriguing as to how they have not decided to beat you up for all the sins and wrongdoings you have done towards them. but, you were thankful with such friends who accepted you, no matter how much mistakes you have done one too many times. you thought to repay them sometime, someday sooner.

"y/n," kate called out, "there has been a question among all of us that makes us wonder. and since you are a hunter now, we.. want to ask you if you know the answer to this." the guitarist spoke, to which you nodded and raised an eyebrow. "what is your question, katie?" you asked. she sighed shakily, moving closer to you as you remained looking at her. 

"will there ever be a time where we will be able to escape this place so we can finally face the future we have wanted for ourselves and for our families?" 

your eyes widened, then going back to normal. you let out a small, sad chuckle - because you knew that you did not have the answer to this, and yet, you wished you did. "i don't have the answer for that kate," you said, "but i am sure that we will be able to get ourselves out of here." you reassured her, to which she nodded and smiled. "but how do we do that?" laurie asked, "we have been stuck here for long enough and even though we are to keep hope in ourselves." she sighed sadly. nea nodded in agreement.

you thought for a while but could not think of anything because of the throbbing pain in your head. "i don't know," you mumbled, "but maybe you need to hang on for a little longer. can you do that?" you asked them, to which they remained in silence until they began to nod in agreement. you smiled softly, closing your eyes as you laid down again. "y/n, why do you look so pale? are you sick?" meg asked, to which you shook your head. "i am not sick, but maybe something is happening to me that i do not know of." 

you herd the entrance gate make a loud sound, signaling that the gate is somehow open now. it was time for them to leave, but you suddenly did not want them to leave. you had this panic in your heart because you knew that the entity would be displeased with what you have done, but at the same time, you no longer had a care in it anymore. the other four looked at each other, panicking. "y/n, we have to go," meg stood up, "are you fine being here? all alone?" the athlete asked, and you replied with a nod. "yes, it is fine with me. but please," you looked at them as you stood up slowly, "promise me one thing." 

the rest of them ran, but laurie remained. "what is it?" she asked. you embraced her tightly, feeling your eyes cloud with tears as you did not want to let go. you did not want to leave without them, but then again you had to. you had no more choices as the ground shook even more, indicating that the entity would come and take the remaining survivors itself if they did not escape on time. "please, tell ji-woon i love him."

"y/n wha-"

you cut her off by pushing her out of the window, making her fall. luckily, she fell into the arms of nea as all of them ran. meg looked back at you with a somber look in her eyes, but you could do nothing but smile a bittersweet smile, waving off to them, bidding them goodbye. tears ran down your cheeks as you heard the booming footsteps of the entity.

but this feeling was so different, as if it was going to take you some place else. but you did not care anymore.

watching your vision fade into black, you fell to the ground as you kept your eyes up. you did not want to face this but you could not do anything anymore; you cannot see. your eyes were being so damn useless. you did nothing but scream in agony and in pure sadness until you could not feel your eyes from crying so much. the last thing you thought of was ji-woon, you felt so sorry for him; for leaving him once again even though you have obligated to do so. you no longer wanted to be in this position where all you did was cause pain, but then, you did not want to feel pain anymore.

you smiled sadly, an image of ji-woon flickering in your mind as your brain was being played with.

reaching out your arms to embrace the darkness that was going to transport you elsewhere, you felt the floor below you break apart, causing you to fall into a deep and dark pit of god knows what it could be. you imagined ji-woon hugging you tightly, every single memory of him with you flashing before your very eyes. you may have forgotten everyone back in your actual life, but you did not want to forget ji-woon. you no longer wanted to forget, even if it meant you could not let go of the sad and excruciating memories that you would have to go through again.

but, at least those memories were just ji-woon, right?

and finally as you felt yourself no longer shedding tears, you felt your arms fall back to your sides as you kept on falling down. you embraced your fate, accepting it. sometimes, this can be seen in the daily routine that you once had in your normal and peaceful life back in your world. this can be seen as an emotion or an action that is painful but still something that you must do in order to move on from life. something that you did not want to do with ji-woon. 

acceptance.