Finding Happiness

chapter 6

Riley

I used to hate Saturdays. It meant a full day with Kevin. A full day of abuse and it was always worse if his friends came round.
But here was different, I enjoyed Saturdays.  Sebastian and Noah only worked in the morning so that meant I wasn't so alone of course I was still scared of them all but I was starting to enjoy their company. I was always forced to get up at 4am, not that I slept. Between the constant fear, my lack of bed and the nightmares it was pretty rare for me to actually sleep. Here I didn't have a time, I could get up whenever I wanted, I was making the most of it since I'd be back to getting up early on Monday.
Today felt off for some reason and after a glance at the time I decided to get it. I quickly changed into a oversized hoodie and leggings that Sebastian and Noah had got me on my 2nd day here.

They had taken me shopping. Noah was the most excited whilst Sebastian followed behind until it was time to pay and he'd be the one paying. I did feel bad but when I told them I had enough. Noah looked at the two shopping bags worth of clothes and then at me in horror "we are definitely not done" he had exclaimed whilst Sebastian took a calmer approach.
"I've probably made 5x the amount we have spent whilst we were shopping, it's honestly fine Riley. Besides Noah will just get you tons of stuff so you might as well get something you like"

After his words I did choose more stuff and now I had a full closet of clothes.  
I felt guilty for allowing Sebastian to spend money on me still but I did my best to ignore it.

I decided to have breakfast now then do some reading in preparation of Monday. Sebastian had made it clear I had to at least eat breakfast and dinner and I didn't want to disappoint him.

I went downstairs and straight away I heard shouting making me flinch. I should go back upstairs.
"I don't fucking care if you don't like her"
"She's a fucking brat, why do you keep taking her side"
"because she's my sister and I'm not having you talk about her like that"
So they were talking about me, I think it was Sebastian and Lucas argueing.
"Well she's not mine, I want nothing to do with her" Lucas practically screamed and I flinched back.

Suddenly I felt someone behind me do I looked back and saw Noah stood behind me looking at me with concern. "You shouldn't be listening in, There conversation is private" he said with so much seriousness that I shivered. He was just as scary when he spoke in that tone.
"I'm sorry I just came down for breakfast I didn't mean to hear anything" I said knowing this wasn't going to end well.
"Really because it looked like you were just stood listening. I'm sure Sebastian told you the rules and listening in counts as being disrespectful" he continued and I flinched. He was annoyed and Sebastian would be too. Noah walked past me and knocked on the kitchen door. Sebastian opened it looking annoyed but his eyes met mine they softened until Noah spoke "Riley was listening" I panicked as Sebastians face was no longer soft "I didn't hear much I promise, you said that I was to have breakfast and dinner everyday so I was just coming to get breakfast" I tried to explain and he seemed to believe me until Noah spoke again"but you should have left when you heard them argueing. Listening in is distrespectful"  I felt like Noah was trying to get me into trouble, Sebastian looked conflicted. "She obviously didn't mean it" Sebastian said but Noah rolled his eyes "if this was Lucas you would have him facing consequences, you need to treat them equally" I gulped when Sebastian nodded. "Ok 1 lap and extra chores Riley" he didn't seem that bothered about them. "Right breakfast, what do you fancy. Im a great cook" he continued and I felt relieved that he had dropped the topic.  "Anything sir" he nodded and led me in.

Lucas was sat at the kitchen island on his phone. "Im going out with Jason and Lexi  later" Lucas said not looking up from his phone. "I need you to stay in, Noah and I are going to a meeting, i know it's last minute but it's an important one so you will have to watch Riley"  Sebastian said as he started making me food.
"Ugh fine but I'm inviting my friends here" Lucas said, he obviously wasn't very happy. "Fine but no drugs or alcohol,  I'm not having you drunk and high around Riley" Sebastian said which made Lucas roll his eyes "fine whatever" and with that he walked out.

"So how much of the conversation did you hear" Sebastian asked as he continued making breakfast.
" just from the part where you said you didn't care if Lucas didn't like me" I told him wanting to be honest.
"Ok not much that's good. Lucas does like you, he's just annoyed that you grew up with mum and we grew up with father" I notice the hatred he used when he said 'father' but it also got me thinking, did they not know mum died. "Mum died when I was 8" I say quietly hoping he already knew. "Was she a good mum" he asks and I nod "the best" he nods "maybe one day you can tell me about her" I do feel bad that I got to spend time with mum and non of the boys did, especially Lucas who would have only been 3.
I shouldn't have been born then they could have spent longer with their mum.

"She made the best cookies" I tell him and he nods. "The chocolate chip ones were so good. I do remember mum, I was 10 so I got at least 10 years with her. I understand why she left,  she did the right thing"  Sebastian says and I see nothing but pain and sadness."Sebastian" I say cautiously. "Yeah" he anwsers. "Can I hug you" I ask, I automatically flinch. I was stupid to ask, of course he wouldn't want a hug. "Id like that" he said and opened his arms.  I slowly made my way to him and carefully wrapped my arms around him. I was scared this was just a trick, that he would turn on be any second but he didn't.
He hugged me, his arms were wrapped around me holding me in a protective manner. It had been so long since I have recieved a hug, maybe that's why I finally let my guard down causing tears to spill down my cheeks. "I've got you, you're safe" Sebastian whispered and I cried further. No one had been this nice to me in years. Not since mum.

Sebastian
I hadn't hugged anyone in years. Hugging was a sign of affection, affection was for the weak, affection was for those who deserved it. I was neither. Some how my dear sister had walked into my life with no knowledge of me and changed me. My brothers had tried to get me to open up, they had tried to show they loved me but dad had made sure I knew I wasn't worthy, I didn't deserve there love. After all I was a monster.
I held her tightly, I didn't want to let go.  Hugging her felt nice, I felt almost human. I smiled as I held her. Something I rarely do.

I have 3 types of smiles until now
A business smile, which was rare
A smirk, usually seen when I know I have the upper hand
And the smile that sometimes makes a appearance when I'm torturing someone.

This was the first time in a long time my smile was genuine. Did I deserve her in my life. No. She deserved someone who wouldn't hurt her, I knew I would especially emotionally if she finds out about who I am.

"I forgot to mention, the meeting has been moved forward....oh my god, Sebastian you're smiling, wait you're hugging too"

Noah just had to walk in and ruin our moment. Riley pulled away like I was poisen. Fuck. Maybe she hated it. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to hug him for so long sir" that broke me further. Riley was stood in front of me, scared of Noah because she thought she wasn't allowed to hug me. Out of all of us she feared Noah over me. Ok maybe I was glad a little that she wasnt terrified of me anymore, more like midly scared.

"No it's ok Riley. It's just Sebastian doesn't do hugs and smiles. He's a bit like a robot." Noah reassured her and I think she understood. "Well he should hug more" she said and I smiled. God I was smiling way to much. "We can hug anytime you want" I offer.
I think I like hugs.

Flashback

"Dad why can't i hug my brothers" I ask not wanting to stop. I was 10 years old, it has only been a few months since mum took Riley. "First of you will call me sir"  he screamed as his fist collided with my cheek. "And second. You don't deserve hugs. You are a monster, monsters don't deserve affection. You killed that man, it was you. Do you think a killer deserves a hug" he spat as he sent dozens of kicks to my body. "You pulled the trigger though. You killed him" I say not wanting to be a killer. "You fucking chose him though. You killed him. Don't worry Son next time you can pull the trigger" he started laughing like a maniac and I cried. He was right, I killed that man. I chose him. Dad told me to choose between a baby girl and a man. I chose the man. Dad then grabbed a gun and shot him. I had killed him. It was my fault.

End of flashback

He kept his word, he forced me to pull the trigger, it was either I pull the trigger on a stranger or he would shoot one of the boys. After time I got used to the routine, I blocked my emotions. I became the ruthless monster he wanted me to be.