Lost Loving Souls (Connor x Reader)

Chapter 98

You arrived at your house and both of your cats rushed to greet you. You pet both of them and greeted them. They were very happy to see you. After they said their hellos to you, they bounded up to Connor and started pawing and his legs and rubbing up against him. You smiled a bit at the sight. They were happy to see him too. Connor smiled at the two. He bent down and pet both of them before eventually getting onto his knees to cuddle them. You smiled at the sight, but then...you felt your heart begin to sink as you realized that used to be you. You used to be able to feel that bond with them. You used to be able to share that love and they were happy to share it with you as well. 

You turned away, not wanting to be reminded of it any longer. You went to put your things in your room. You began to unpack silently, trying not to let the sadness get a hold of you. You felt something slip around your waist. You tensed, but you relaxed with a sigh through your nose as you realized who it was.

"What's wrong?" 

"I'm perfectly fine, Connor."

"Even if you don't act like you used to, I know that's a lie." 

"Why do you always have to insist on bombarding me whenever something is wrong?" 

"What?" Connor let go and you faced him.

"Did you ever consider I don't want you hovering over me?"

"(Y/n)-"

"No. For the last time, I'm not (Y/n)." He flinched at the tone of your voice. It was cold but oddly calm. Just like an android's. You pushed the voice away. 

"Yes, you are." He insisted.

"No, I'm not, Connor! I might look like her, but I'm not the (Y/n) that you knew! I'm not the one that loves you! I'm not the girl you want! She's still dead!"

"Stop thinking like that! How many times do I have to tell you that you are the one I love? How many times do I have to remind you that nothing in the world could change that about you? Why do you still refuse to listen to me?"

"Because you don't have the same trust you had before." He looked stunned. You turned away from him. "I'm sorry, but I'm not your (Y/n). I just...I just can't be." 

"You only say that because you're struggling to let the real you back in."

"Let? I CAN'T go back! I've tried and NOTHING has worked! You should know that above everyone else." You growled the last part. 

"I do know that this is difficult, but it's clearly not impossible. You felt a connection with your family, you can get all of the other connections back as well. It will just take-"

"Time?" You cut him off. 

"Yes. Why is that-"

"Why is that a problem!? How much time do I need!? A few months? A year? Half of my life!?"

"(Y/n), nobody can control this! This isn't your fault and it isn't Kamski's fault either. If it's anybody's fault...it would be mine." You groaned.

"Your fault? Are you serious? Why would this be your fault?"

"Because I can't help you." You paused. "Because what I'm doing isn't enough. What I'm doing isn't working. Everything I'm doing is only driving us to this. I don't want to fight you, especially about this. I just want you to believe me, but I know you won't because you are right. This isn't the real you, but I know that it's inside of you. And the only reason all of this even happened is because of me." He said, sounding guilty and ashamed. You turned.

"What...what do you mean 'all of this'?" You asked.

"Your death, the turmoil you're going through, the stress of the investigation. All of this happened because...I was so foolish. I ran after him alone when I should've waited for you and Hank. Instead, I ran ahead, got myself into danger and because of that, you took a hit for me. A shot that...k-killed you." You saw tears forming in his eyes as he remembered the day you had sacrificed yourself for him. "I'm so sorry, (Y/n). I-I know this is my fault and I want to change it, but I can't. I can't do anything to fix it...and I'm so, so sorry." You frowned, feeling so much guilt. I'm doing this to him when all he wants to do is help me. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so horrible? You hugged him.

"C-Connor...I...I should be apologizing to you. I've been so caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I didn't even see how much I've been hurting you. None of this is your fault. You were right. Nobody can control this. It just happened. I don't care if you can't help me. That's not your fault. I...I can't change how I feel. At least, not yet, but I do trust you. You've done so much for me and I know how much you care. I'm just...I'm sorry I can't be the girl you love and the girl you deserve." He kissed your cheek.

"I told you, you are the (Y/n) I know, you just can't see it. You've changed since when I first saw you again after everything that happened. You're more like yourself than you realize. I've said it many times already, but I know that you will be back to normal someday. It will just take time." You smiled a bit. 

"I'm sorry I was so doubtful. It's just hard to believe in myself when I can't even change." He nodded.

"I understand that, but if you don't believe in yourself, than at least believe me. Not that I think you shouldn't believe in ourself as well, but if you trust me, than you can at least believe in me." You smiled a bit.

"Connor, I know it might not be real to the extent it was before, but...I know I care deeply for you. I...I can still feel it inside me." He smiled warmly at you.

"You really are a wonder to me." You blushed slightly. 

"Are you going to recipricate my confesed affections or just stand there?" You said with a grin. He chuckled. 

"As you wish." He kissed you and you felt your heart beat slightly faster. You wrapped your arms slowly around his neck and his hands traveled down to grip your sides. You remembered how (Y/n) used to kiss who she had been with before Connor. No, how I used to kiss him. You stood a bit closer to Connor and his arms wrapped around you, holding you tighter. You felt your face heat up. You didn't care who you were, you knew that this was what was supposed to happen. It was right. 

Soon, you broke apart. You took a moment to regain your breath. You smiled slightly at Connor. He smiled back at you, looking happier than he had been ever since you had come back. 

"I might not know who I am at this point in time, but I know I'm pleased to have you by my side for it." He chuckled and kissed your cheek.

"Anything for you, (Y/n). I won't let us be apart ever again. I promise." He told you. You smiled.

"If you say you won't let it happen again, then.....I trust you."